April 15, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

This was my second attempt. It went much better. Still, maybe too much context and not enough punchlines. I brought along a squeeking dog toy as a prop to drown out the swearing.

Last week I was here for the first time. I’d written a script, then we were told to keep it clean, can’t swear, because some kids in the restaurant might here us. So, so much for that! But thing is, I do swear a lot. And I saw a post on Facebook that said, honest people tend to swear a lot more than dishonest people. I liked it, now I’m being slammed by Facebook ads for Anthony Robbins self-help videos. What’s up with that? Is he going to help me with my swearing?

And, Anthony Robbins, huh? There’s a real inspiration. I used to read his books because I thought there was something wrong with me, now I realize that there might be something wrong with him.  He has this catch phrase, “To be a leader, you gotta be a reader.” It rhymes, therefore it must be true. Well, then again, George Bush, “W,” once said, “I’m a leader, not a reader.” Funny, that rhymes too.

So, I can’t help my swearing, but it doesn’t mean anyone has to listen to it. So, I brought along a little censor. Here it is in action.

Remember little incident in San Jose last summer? 21 people burned their feet doing the Anthony Robbins firewalk? Betcha there was lots and lots of family language used then.

This is my impression of an Anthony Robbins follower doing the firewalk last summer.

I can do this, I’m a polar bear walking on an ice floe, cool, cool ground, holy

<<common swear words mouthed while I squeeze the toy like beeping out profanity on network TV.>>

That’s HOT! I could go on, but I only have 6 minutes here.

Moving along, so to speak…

I’m in a gay marriage, yes, we’re very gay, my wife and I, it’s been the happiest and indeed gayest 23 years of my life. Not a same sex marriage, mind you, but it is a gay marriage. What? Do homosexuals have the monopoly on the word, gay?

So, the Gay 90’s, huh? That was a real golden era of homosexuality, wasn’t it? Back then, It was a crime in most states and until recently, homosexuality was officially listed by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder, for crying out loud.

However, things are looking better! Lately same sex marriage or, if you will, gay marriage has been in front of the Supreme Court and there’s this opinion out there, I’m not sure about, you know, it being out here, among you guys, but it’s out there…if we legalize same sex marriage, then we’ll have to legalize poligamy, beastiality and so on. If you listen to these

<<common swear words mouthed while I squeeze the toy like beeping out profanity on network TV.>>

People then “obviously,” it’s a slippery slope. OK, enough with the squeeze toy.

And I’m sure there are many dogs and cats out there, a few cattle maybe, just dying for the right to marry humans. Yeah right.

A similar argument could have been used to deny women and minorities the right to vote.

“Well, sooner or later, you know, they’ll want animals to vote. Dogs, cats, chickens, horses.”

How would a dog vote anyway? I mean they don’t have opposing thumbs, can’t hold a pen or pencil. Touch screen, naw, they’d probably electrocute themselves peeeing on it. Zzzzzzzzttttt yelp, yelp, yelp.

Sorry, that was swearing in dog language. Anyone out there speak dog? Good. Any puppies in the restaurant next door? Nope, good. We’re OK.

Well, how would those people, who hold that slippery slope opinion, feel if these animals were allowed to vote NO on gay marriage, would that change their minds?

“For months now, we’ve been training old Rex here to pee on the “No.” Now see Regina over there, she was also called Rex till she peed on the electronic touch pad. Hadn’t seen an arc like that since Jim-Bob farted near the gas barbecue.

Now we call Jim-Bob, Tony Soprano. Because’s he can take it like a gangster.

Here, Rex, here, now who’s a good boy who hates gay marriage? Who’s a good boy? No, don’t pee on my shoe, pee over there on the cardboard dog ballot. No, not that one, that’s one’s for upholding our right to bear assault rifles. We’re voting yes on that one. Pee on the other one. Good boy, good boy.”