Fourth attempt. Changed the concept to bring "help" on stage. Everyone liked it. However, I have a new appreciation for how hard this after watching several pro comics who came by. They were mostly like great improvising jazz musicians compared to me, reading from my script. Oh well, my strength is in the writing.
What do you think? I'm open to all comments and criticism, but please keep it constructive.
Thank
you, thank you. I’m David Kelly, man, is it sexy in here, is it sexy in here,
or is it just me?
You
know, I had this rash on my arm, speaking of sexy, and the doctor gave this
cream for my rash. It stung and I told the doctor that it made my arm smart. He
said, “Makes your arm smart huh? Why don’t you then rub some on your dumb ass
and then get your dumb ass outta my office?”
Anyway,
anyone know why the chicken crossed the road? Huh? Anyone? It was because Jeff
wouldn’t let it swear. “If you’re gonna swear like that, then take your dumb
ass across the road and away from my open mic.”
Ah,
this isn’t working. I’m such a dummy. I need some help from someone who is much
smarter than I am. Much smarter than I could possibly imagine. I need an
advanced life form to appear on stage with me right now to get me through the
next 4 minutes. But how? How?
Doo-doo
da-doo-doo da-doo-doo da-doo <<teleporting sound>>
Captain’s
log, star date oh four dot two nine dot two zero one three. Responding to a
mayday beacon, we found ourselves teleported to a wooden shack on a blue
planet.
Captain,
teleporting to this primitive environment was most illogical, what the tribble
were you thinking?
Yes,
Jim, had you listened to me for a change and factored in a left turn at
Albuquerque we would now be among more intelligent life forms.
Bones,
Spock, it is our destiny to reach out and explore the distant reaches of our
being and, in doing so, consort among the wild natives who lurk in the shadows.
Right,
Jim, consort among the wild natives who lurk in the shadows, huh? Is that why
you recruited Lieutenant Uhura to serve on the Enterprise?
Dr.
McCoy, that comment is most illogical. How a competent, highly trained officer
like Lt. Uhura could possibly be confused with a wild native is beyond reason.
In fact I believe I saw Lt. Uhura out in the audience tonight on an undercover
mission. Speaking of which, Dr. McCoy, why do they call you, Bones, anyway?
Because
that’s what Lt. Uhura screamed out, on one her previous under cover missions, when
she saw McCoy with his pants down. “Dem Bones! Dem Bones!”
That’s
enough Jim, she was talking about my finely formed rib cage. And besides,
didn’t I warn you never to bring that up in conversation again? Next time I
have you on the operating table, so help me, Jim, I’m going to connect your
esophagus to your pancreas, so you’ll be talking out of your ass!
Talking
out of one’s ass, most illogical, Dr. McCoy, but, come to think of it, in the
case of the Captain, I fail to see how would that be any different from what we’ve
been listening to for the past 47 years.
Quiet,
we need to be quiet and listen to this environment for signs of intelligent
life.
Captain,
while you were listening, I took a reading of our surroundings with my
quad-corder.
Quad-corder?
Spock, surely you mean your tri-corder?
No,
Dr. McCoy, I traded in my tri-corder for an upgrade to this quad-corder. Not
only does it seek out and report on life forms, it also predicts success or
failure if one was to approach a detected life form with an offer of sex. Most
illogical, but such a popular feature with the Enterprise crew that I had to
wait almost a light year to get mine through Starfleet FedEx.
Starfleet
FedEx?
Yes,
they route all cargo through the planet Memphis 9, which is hopelessly backlogged
since they shut down their old hub on Uranus.
What
was wrong with Uranus? That was next to the star base manned by test pilots!
What could be safer?
Yes,
the test pilots, the TP. The planet itself was fine, but getting to and from
the mail hub became congested by too much TP orbiting Uranus in search of
Klingons.
Quiet
you two, I believe I just picked up signs of life forms. Spock, what does your
quad-corder say?
No
intelligent life, Captain, but I have received many predicted positive
reactions to sexual solicitation. Most illogical.
Jim,
I say we stay the night and pursue this path of intellectually predictive
responses as detected by Spock.
OK,
McCoy and maybe while on that pursuit you can convince that wild native over
there to undergo a close encounter of the third kind from yours truly.
Dammit,
Jim, I’m a doctor, not a hypnotist!
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