May 31, 2013 Open Mic, Evergreen Coffee Company, San Jose

Captain Bonehead Part 2

Tonight, the open mic at the Evergreen Coffee Company in East San Jose was well attended by people of all ages. At the peak, it seemed like there were about 40 people in the audience. Some lovely singing, along with a bag pipe player and a young man who did a spoken word piece that built an interesting mental image of a swamp in the South East US with plants, animals and insects. Sylvia Vo, the host, commented that it was the most unique piece she had ever heard at an open mic.

I debuted a second episode of Captain Bonehead and it went over very well.

NARRATOR:        It is time once again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.

BONEHEAD:        Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?

SPLINTER:        Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

BONEHEAD:        Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

SPLINTER:        No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?

BONEHEAD:        I have traveled the wilderness in search of spatial enlightenment.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you in Tibet?

BONEHEAD:        No, at the AMC Mercado in Santa Clara, looking for a parking spot. I had tickets for Fast & Furious.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, don’t you get enough speed and fury in your day job?

BONEHEAD:        True, but it was Mrs. Bonehead’s birthday and Hedda, ...that’s my wife, ...Hedda Bonehead, wanted to see something relaxing.

SPLINTER:        Mrs. Bonehead thought Fast & Furious would be relaxing?

BONEHEAD:        In her mind, compared to being married to a super hero, Fast & Furious was a Sunday drive in the park. ...Besides, I wanted to see the chase scene with the tank.

SPLINTER:        The tank? Why, because it gave you some ideas ‘bout fighting crime?

BONEHEAD:        No, because the tank reminded me of my dear, departed, Mother, ...Fiona Bonehead.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, how on Earth does a tank remind you of your mother.

BONEHEAD:        Obviously, you never saw Mother driving the family mini-van through rush hour traffic. ...Boy, talk about fast and furious.

BONEHEAD:        We were never late for anything: she was MY super hero.

SPLINTER:        My goodness, what a childhood you had, Captain Bonehead! ...But when it comes down to it, isn’t every mom a super hero? ...I see you have a guest.

BONEHEAD:        Yes, This is my old friend, the Green Ranger, who is all about cleaning up waste and pollution.

RANGER:          Greenings, friend!

SPLINTER:        Greenings? Pleased to meet you, Mr. Ranger, but don’t you mean, Greetings?

RANGER:          No, I do mean, Greenings, ...for if we don’t make the planet more green, soon there will be no-one left to greet anyone. ...Which reminds me, Lil’ Splinter, what have you done recently to make the Earth more green?

SPLINTER:        I car pooled with the Intrepid Commuter.

RANGER:          That’s great! How about you, Captain Bonehead?

BONEHEAD:        Today, I proudly ate my lunch with only one chopstick.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, only one chopstick? How did you manage that?

BONEHEAD:        Well, what started as a mad frenzy of stabbing became a colossal blood bath, ...and that was only my tomato soup! ...Took forever to finish my Caesar salad.

BONEHEAD:        ...At the end my croutons were so finely crushed, I could suck ‘em through a straw.

RANGER:          Bonehead, you have given us a fine example of thinking green, ...but in the future, you can use two chopsticks as long as they are re-usable and non-disposable.

BONEHEAD:        Now you tell me, ...after I was finished stabbing my tomato soup, Hedda, ...that’s Mrs. Bonehead to you, ...looked like she’d been attacked by a giant pitcher of orange Kool-Aid.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, you sure like to take everything to the extreme.

BONEHEAD:        Well, shouldn’t we all live life at the fullest, ...dance like no-one’s looking, ...smile like there’s no tomorrow ...and laugh like no-one can hear us? ...I’m sure this audience is with me on that one. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear you laugh like no-one can hear you!

RANGER:          Bonehead, confound it, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but by asking the audience to laugh that way, you’ve made me turn a shade of green that I never thought was possible.

BONEHEAD:        It’s amazing what we can achieve when we put our heads together, Ranger.

SPLINTER:        Great Pitchers of Kool-Aid, Captain Bonehead!

END

May 22, 2013, Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

James Bond

At the Starbuck's on Foxworthy Avenue in San Jose.

The James Bond sketch went well, but I suffered an anxiety attack while doing Star Wars (I'll post that another time) and Star Trek. I was suddenly hot and dripping sweat even though the room was not all that warm. I realized that I had lost my confidence to perform and that I needed to fix the format of my scripts so that they were easier to read on stage and to practice my voice characterizations, which I had real trouble with tonight.

Doubt and anxiety are part of the experience and I've resolved myself to abstract them away from any feeling about myself. I'm far from discouraged, in fact, I'm now motivated to take this to the next level. I have now performed each script that I wrote in April at least once and now is the time to improve each performance and tighten up the scripts.

 

NARRATOR:     Ever heard of James Bond? Here I imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.

James Bond,

BOND:         That’s Bond, James, Bond!

NARRATOR:     ...and his colleague, Agent Dick Small

SMALL:        That’s Small, Dick Small. OH!

NARRATOR:     ...meeting the evil genius, Lodka Tonic

TONIC:        Vi do I trifle vit such small dicks?

<James Bond Theme>

BOND:         It is I, Bond, James Bond, here to save the world from this awful sketch. Dick, Dick, where are you?

SMALL:        <Panting> Hey, James, I’m here. <Panting> if you had listened to me instead of that stupid gadget provided by Q, we would have turned left at Albuquerque and been here in time to stop this sketch from even starting.

Why are we driving across the country in a used Austin Martin, anyway? <panting> Why aren’t we flying?

BOND:         British government austerity, Dick, it stinks, but we need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

SMALL:        I might do that if I could actually sit properly in the car, <panting> why did you make me run for the last mile. I thought we were a team. This is all about you! There is no I in TEAM.

BOND:         Yes, of course, Dick. Team is me… with T&A.

Besides, your fidgety legs were stirring up my vodka. My vodka may be shaken but not stirred.

SMALL:        How did we accumulate so much junk anyway?

BOND:         Special equipment from Q plus a few strategic purchases.

SMALL:        Strategic purchases, like matching Grand Canyon martini glasses?

BOND:         Those will be strategic for my team, me and my T&A. For now, we need to concentrate on saving the world.

TONIC:        Too late, Mr. Bond, for I, Lodka Tonic, evil genius and, how you say, ze big cheese of international crime, has captured ze core essense of zis sketch’s unfunniness to carry out mine evil plans.

SMALL:        What plans are those, Mr. Tonic?

OVER

TONIC:        Zat’s Herr Tonic to you, boy. Mr. Bond, I see zat in zese times of government auzterity zat Her Majesty’s Zecret Zervice has taken to robbing ze cradle. Recruiting such boys.

BOND:         Zecret Zervice?

TONIC:        Da, Zecret Zervice! Is zere somethink wrong with mine Englishk.

BOND:         No… but I’m not sure I’m buying your evil accent. Anyway, may I introduce my colleague, Agent Small.

SMALL:        Small, Dick, um, Small at your service, Herr Tonic.

TONIC:        It’s ze pleasure. Small Dick.

BOND:         Now that we have dispensed with the pleasantries, how do you plan to infect the population with the unfunniness?

TONIC:        Through ze deep artesian wells that flow under ze Milwaukee.

SMALL:        You don’t mean!

TONIC:        Da! I will infect ze beer, ze very life blood of American society, with ze unfunniness. I will turn ze Miller time into ze killer time! HaHaHa.

BOND:         I assure you that we will not permit you to carry out your evil scheme.

TONIC:        Out of my way, you two idiots, I’m off to ze Milwaukee!

SMALL:        Gosh, James, what do we do now?

BOND:         We use a gadget provided by Q to stop him before he reaches his car. Hand me the poisoned darts.

SMALL:        Sorry, we used up the poisoned darts to save Precious Patty from Petrov Peashooter in St. Petersburg.

BOND:         Damn it! Then hand me the laser gun.

SMALL:        Sorry, we broke the laser gun while saving Lucious Lucy from Lars Laffenov in Lubbock.

BOND:         Confound it! Then hand me the empty beer bottle.

SMALL:        Empty beer bottle?

BOND:         Yes, from that table there.

SMALL:        Here you go.

<Long missle sound… Doink>

BOND:         Well, we’ve done it again, Dick: we’ve made the world safe for Miller time.

SMALL:        If it’s all the same to you, James, I’d prefer a Heineken.

END

May 20, 2013, Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Star Trek Next Generation

Went very well this evening. This was the right length with the right balance between buildup and punch line. The revised introduction helped bring the audience in as well. As the other performers, only one other comedian with the rest being musicians. Some fine music as well.

Anyone here familiar with Star Trek Next Generation? Anyone? Here I imagine Captain Jean Luc Picard, Lt. Commander Jordi LaForge, and General Worf, the Klingon, appearing on this stage.

<<Star Trek Next Generation Theme Music>> <<tele-porting sound>>

Captain’s log, star date oh five dot two nine dot two zero oh, oh, oh damn, I forgot to take my pills.

Captain, I can see that you’re troubled.

Jordi, how can you see anything with those stupid goggles?

That is the whole point, Worf, I was born blind, but these goggles let me see.

Really, well maybe they let you see too well. Otherwise, explain why you walked head first into the simulator while Ensign Mammaries was loading the torpedo tubes!

Actually, I was thinking through a complex engineering problem at that time and wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. By the way, she is not an Ensign, but a Private. Private Mammaries.

Private Mammaries? This vessel uses navy rankings. I did not know there were any privates on this ship.

Are you telling me that in all the time you’ve served on the Enterprise that you’ve never seen any privates?

No I have most certainly not!

Then, maybe you’re the one who should be wearing the goggles!

Gentlemen, let’s not quarrel as we have important work to do. We have received a desperate cry for help from this blue planet and it is our duty to provide aid to these poor suffering people.

Captain, sensors have detected an alien ship.

Load the viagra torpedoes, Warf!

Viagra torpedoes? You mean the photon torpedoes, don’t you?

No the viagra torpedoes, I have a date with Counselor Troi later tonight and nothing must fail.

Yeah, must be pretty embarrassing when all systems aren’t a go, huh Captain?

Well, that’s part of it, Jordi, there is also the Counselor's usual post meltdown lecture about, getting a grip on one’s inner penis. No decorated officer should have to listen to that lecture.

Captain, I see some trouble with the methamfetamine crystals in the laboratory bathtub. Jordi, I need a diagnosis. Jordi. Jordi.

What?

Jordi, OK now that Major Jugs has left the bridge, could you run a diagnosis on the methamfetamine crystals?

Jeez, Worf, you’re always barking out these orders: diagnosis this, diagnose that! Is that why they call you Worf because you bark out so many commands?

Actually, Jordi, it is short for Waldorf, but in his younger academy days, he encountered a trio of hairy female life forms who barked liked dogs, and basically did it to him doggie style. As they reached climax they called out, Worf. Worf. Worf.

For the rest of his academy days, the other cadets used to come up behind him in the mess hall calling out Worf, here, Worf, pant, pant, pant. After a few of these incidents, Worf was relieved of his phaser.

Captain, I warned you never to tell that story. Just watch it, or I’ll have the simulator make a rubber torpedo and shove it up Uranus. Then we’ll see who’s calling out, Worf! I can just imagine the lecture that Counsellor Troi will give you after that!

That’s OK, Worf, just as long as I can borrow Jordi’s goggles.

May 17, 2013, Open Mic, Evergreen Coffee Company, San Jose

Captain Bonehead

This was the audience for whom I wrote Captain Bonehead. It went over well. Not as many laughs as what I received the previous Monday night at the Bamboo Lounge. Lesson learned tonight was that I need to change positions at the mic for each character. Left and right for when I have 2 and adding a center position when I have 3 characters. One lady comic did that to great effect. And that is why I hang out too see as many other acts as I can.

Also, there was a young lady there who played guitar and sang: 2 original songs and a cover that I did not recognize. Her name is Layla. The following guitarist, someone in my generation played the first few chords of the unplugged version of Eric Clapton's Layla and everyone cheered. He had not intended to play that song, but he did and we sang along. It occurred to me that I should sing one time for a change. It would another breakthrough for me and frankly, I don't think anyone's going to offer me a record deal, but my singing voice holds its own against most others who are singing each week and playing guitar.

I'm trying to get my trainer, Iram, who writes and performs very effective slam poetry, to come on May 31.

Here are some Google street view images of the site. It is so new that even though these photos weren't taken that long ago, I felt disoriented at first on street view because so much has been built up in this area since these photos were taken.

Evergreen is in Southeast San Jose near the foothills. The map is centered on the San Jose Airport and the Cisco campus is roughly in the area marked, North San Jose.

The white building with the pointed roof houses the Evergreen Village Coffee company on the bottom floor.

A side view. We perform in that patio area in front of the store.

This is as good as I can get from street view. I'll bring my camera along one of these times.

The Friday nights are good for families or those who like family entertainment. For those who like it a little ruder, then come to the Bamboo Lounge on Monday nights.

May 15, 2013 Open Mic: Canceled

Canceled tonight at the Foxworthy (Willow Glen) Starbucks.
Sylvia left this note on Facebook:

Open mic is cancelled tonight! There's too many people inside and I don't really want any cops called on me, but I'm working on getting a permit to have it outside! See you all next week!

I will try again this Friday at The Evergreen Coffee Company.

May 13, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Mad Men

The audience wasn't sure about this one. Some told me that they didn't understand what I was making fun of till half way through. So, going forward, I'm going to dump this intro about who can save me and start the bit with a description of what I plan to do with pre-recorded theme music played from an I-Pod. Making it big and obvious. There was time to do a second piece, so I did Captain Bonehead, which I think is pretty silly, but the audience liked it because it made sense. Well, that's why I get up and do these to see what works and what doesn't. I'll see if I can come up with more episodes of Captain Bonehead.

Thank you, thank you. I’m David Kelly, man, is it sexy in here, is it sexy in here, or is it just me?

It feels like a breatharian's conference here. You know, breatharians, people who tell you that they get their nourishment exclusively from deep breathing? I can't tell if you're yawning or grabbing a quick snack! 

Ah, this isn’t working. I’m such a dummy. I need some help from someone who is much smarter than I am. Someone who is crazy smarter than I could possibly imagine. I need a crazy professional consulting firm to appear on stage with me right now to get me through the next 4 minutes. But how?

<<Mad Men music>>

 Where zhe hell are we? Where’s zhe bar?

Sterling don’t you think you ought to cut down. I mean, are you pissing your pants or are you just glad to see me? I mean, what didjado? You look like you banged the St. Pauli girl while she was carrying a tray of beer. Again.

I’m tashte teshting our new client’s product, Budweiser Diet Whishkey.

Diet Whiskey?

Yesh, lesh filling, and after 3 shotsh, who caresh what it tashtesh like, after 4, who cares about anything elsh? Same marketing philoshophy as their beer. Where’sh Draper anyway.

He went to get a coffee and check on the baseball game. Oh here he is now.

Fellas.

So, Don, what’s the score?

Yes, I did.

What? You mean you shcored with the barrishta? What the hell could you have in common with a young girl like that?

Well, for starters, I found out that we both like it slow roasted. It’s what keeps me going. Come to think of it, Sterling, it’s amazing that you’re still going.

My doctor preshcribed Viagra.

Gee Sterling, I thought that Viagra was for sexual potency, not for longevity.

Well, Campbell, once you get to my age, shexual potenshy is all ya have left. Isn’t that why they call you Draper, Don? Isn’t that like Led Zeppelin’s D’yer Mak’er? Draper? Dja Raper?

For one thing, Sterling, depending upon what season this is of Mad Men, I’m not certain as to whether we’ve actually ever heard of Led Zeppelin. Secondly, your insinuation that I may have raped anyone is unseemly and despicable. Take that back, you moron, or I’ll tell Peg Legged Peggy that you’ve got the hots for her.

Peg LeggedPeggy? I’ve already pegged her. In the copy room on the Xerox.

OK, then how about Buck-toothed Naomi?

Buck-toothed Naomi? Nailed her in the men’sh room at the ladiesh’ club.

Well, then there’s old Pop Eyed Penny.

Pop Eyed Penny? Penetrated her in the parking lot of the Pay N Shave.

Pop Eyed Penny? With the eye patch and everything? Ew.

Yes, eshpeshally with the eye patch. Hubba-hubba, Campbell.

Then, how about Smelly Annalisa?

Shmelly Annalisha? No, even I have my shtandards. I won’t go near Shmelly Annalisha’s, but, if she turns you on, go for it!

Nah, I don’t like to get behind in my work, it’s the only way I get ahead.

Is that all you guys can talk about, booze and broads? Is that what the advertising business is all about? What happened to hard work, creativity and all that.

Well, Campbell, it’s like this. Think of your life, what do you want? What do you want others to give you? While on the surface it might seem like the only thing worthwhile is some lovely, lonely woman sitting in a bar ready for something new, an adventure into another realm, another dimension of being, where one more drink is the key to unlocking possibilities. That is what it is all about, possibilities and our desire to fulfill our destiny.

What a load of crap, Draper, who in his right mind would buy that?

Well, that’s what Sterling said to his wife last time she picked him up from the drunk tank downtown. How’s it going with her now, Sterling?

Like a pro. Shuddenly she talks to me like she was a divorshe lawyer.

Well, this place isn’t helping my Fruit of the Loom feng shui.

What the hell’s that? Draper? Next you’ll be telling us that you need to point your thing at Mecca.

If that’s what it takes to drive home the deal, then, Mecca, here it comes!

May 8, 2013, Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

The Adventures of Captain Bonehead: Part One

Last Friday, Jeff Ochoa, who runs the Monday Night open Mics invited me to another open mic at the Evergreen Coffee House in San Jose. I did the Star Trek script, but looking in the audience there were families with small children and I felt awkward. So, over the weekend, I wrote this family friendly story. It is pretty silly, but it worked well tonight at the Starbuck's on Foxworthy near Almaden Expressway, where Sylvia Vo runs an open mic on Wednesdays.

Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead who has overcome tremendous dangers, defeated laughable odds, and risked life and limb to be with you this evening. Let me introduce my companion Lil’ Splinter.

Hello everyone. Gee, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

Well, Lil’ Splinter, obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

No, I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter and we used the commuter lane on the freeway to speed us here to be with you folks this evening. Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, what have you been up to lately?

I have scoured the frozen tundra in search of wild game only to find myself trapped in a frozen river waiting for rescue.

Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you in Alaska?

No, at the downtown Safeway. They only had one package of hot pockets left in the freezer, then the line for the cashier took 30 minutes.

Gosh, Captain Bonehead, why didn’t you just go to a 7-11?

I needed to park my car so I could go see Iron Man 3, and if you buy something at Safeway you don’t have to pay for parking. Must I reveal all my secrets and the tribal knowledge of San Jose to this audience?

Why would you go to see Iron Man 3, surely you get enough of that sort of action in your daily life.

True, but Iron Man is a protégé. I first met him when he was hanging out with the Vitamen. Yes, Iron and the Vitamen, a nourishing conflagoration of talent if there ever was one.

The Vitamen, don’t you mean the Vitamins?

Vitamins? What kind of english is that? I think you read too many comic books during class at super hero school.

Well, actually, Captain Bonehead, at super hero school, comic books were part of the core reading assignment.

Never mind that, I didn’t have the privilege of going to super hero school. No, mom wanted me to be an account like my uncle Seymour Bonehead. But I had a different plan and found my way through hanging out with the Vitamen in the back alleys and river parks of San Jose. I owe everything I am to the Vitamen.

Why did you leave them, then?

One day, while the campus of San Jose State University was being over run by rogue bowls of Rice Crispies, one of the Vitamen shouted out, “Great Scoops of Riboflaven, get down.” And before we could find a duck, I saw him and the other Vitamen Snapped, Crackled and Popped.

Gosh, Captain Bonehead, what did you do then?

Calling upon my friends, Count Chocula and Frankenberry, we milked out the rogue bowls of Rice Krispies and berried them in the river. Not to sugar coat such a sad scene of puffed rice facing their final pops.

Where was Iron Man at the time?

He had been rusted by the silly Trix rabbit. Doesn’t that rabbit know that Trix is for kids? Will he never learn?

Gosh, how did Iron Man escape?

He ironed out a deal with the silly rabbit, something to do with frosted lucky charms. Let’s just say, he left the silly rabbit frosted but charmed.

Gosh, Captain Bonehead, I didn’t realize that so much of your personal history was tied up in breakfast cereal.

Well, Lil’ Splinter, when it comes down to it, aren’t we all part of the overall complete breakfast? Now, come along, we have no time to lose.

Why? What’s happening?

We need to rescue Bam-Bam from Fruity Pebbles before she turns him onto Special K. ‘Cause once they taste the K, they are permanently flaked out.

Great Scoops of Riboflaven, Captain Bonehead!

May 6, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Super Friends

I recited this one for the first time tonight at the Bamboo Lounge at the Silicon Valley Hotel San Jose Airport. It went very well. I got over some of my nervousness and paused at the right spots. The musicians there gave me good reviews.

Thank you, thank you. I’m David Kelly, man, is it sexy in here, is it sexy in here, or is it just me?

I had a pretty good childhood. There were many good times along with some friction and the usual rebellious smart ass from me. Take, for example, an ordinary request from my mother.

David, Can you take out the garbage?

Yes, Mom, I’m perfectly capable of taking out the garbage.

Will you take out the garbage?

I don’t know, I can’t predict the future.

Take out the damn garbage!

Gee, Mom, you’re always yelling at me.

Ah, this isn’t working. I’m so weak. I need some help from someone who is much stronger than I am. I need someone with great super powers to suddenly appear on this stage rescue me for the next 4 minutes. But how, how could that possibly happen?

Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Batman!

It is I, the caped crusader, here to save mankind from this horrible sketch.

Holy crummy comedy writing, Batman, had we turned left at Albuquerque, we could have gotten here in time to prevent this sketch from even starting.

Now, don’t start on that again, Robin,… Great breasts of Wonder Woman what’s that?

Down, down, get out of the way.

Superman!

<panting> Well since I got my AARP card, it’s been more like Super Senior Man.

What’s this down, down, get out of the way stuff? And since when was Superman played by Ronald Reagan?

Well, a job is a job and lately, my super cataracts have been acting up and my landings aren’t as crisp as they used to be. I’ve been crashing into stuff… Hey, what happened to the Bat mobile, since when was it pink?

That’s not the Bat mobile. The Bat mobile is in the shop, Robin was bat texting on the way to the bat liquor store, ran into a bad patch of black ice and battered the bat front fender. So I borrowed Mrs. Bat’s mobile.

Mrs. Bat? I thought you were a bachelor? What happened to that?

Well, about 13 years ago, at a bat party, back at the bat cave, I found myself alone with a bat girl, not THE bat girl, but a bat girl nonetheless. To make a long bat story short, my bat condom broke inside the bat girl who is now Mrs. Bat. Maybe I should have removed my bat gloves before rolling the bat condom on. Anyway, we had a girl, her name is Betty. Betty Bat. Now I have this expensive car repair bill and Betty is about to turn 12.

About to turn 12, why is that important?

Soon she’ll be having her Bat-Mitzvah. Bar-Mitsvah is for boys, Bat-Mitzvah is for girls. Do I really have to explain my bat jokes to this bat audience?

Batman, I didn’t know you were Jewish.

Well, Robin, that’s because you’ve never looked while using the bat room.

Why do they call you Robin, anyway?

When I met Robin, his name was Penis Robinowicz. I made him shorten it. Cock Robin was already taken, so, ever since, he has been, Robin.

Holy big bat mouth on a big bat idiot, Batman. Didn’t I warn you never to tell that story? How’d you like it if I cut off your bat ears, glued them to your bat forehead, spray painted you brown and called you Bat Bullshit Man. With your Bullshit Bat horns sticking out of your Bullshit Bat head. Bullshit Bat Bullshit man. What’s the old bat going to say then, huh?

The old bat? The old bat? How dare you talk of Mrs. Bat that way? I think it’s time I taught you a lesson and bat slapped you back to Batland where you came from.

Pow! Sock! Bash! Wedgie! Noogie!

OK, you two that’s enough. It’s bad enough that I now have to hobble about with my super cane, I’m not going to stand for watching you two and your campy stage fighting.

Beep! Beep!

Mrs. Bat is calling me on the bat radio. She wants me to pick up a loaf of bat pumpernickle on the way back to the bat cave. Robin come along, there is no bat time to lose.

Tune in next week when Superman says, I haven’t seen anyone go that crazy since Lois Lane found the Abominable Snowman passed out in the basement of the Fortress of Solitude. Her fault for leaving her left over anchove pizza lying about on the ice shelf. Anyway, Up, up and a cough, cough, cough. Does anyone have a super lozenge?

I knew a guy at Via Rail Canada, when I worked there a long time ago, Steve Riley. He used to repeat that Penis Robinowicz joke about it being shortened to Cock Robin, over and over again. I don't know if he made it up or heard it elsewhere. He was smart and funny enough to have made it up. Attributing that joke to Robin of Batman and Robin was my idea. Cheers, Steve, wherever you are!