July 31, 2013 Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's and Tortuga Lounge, San Jose

Foxworthy Starbuck's and Tortuga Lounge at the Super 8 Motel, San Jose

Tried some new stuff tonight. I'm pleased with my writing, but I need work on my performance, but I'm going to stick with it for a few months and see if I can draw out a superior performance out of the same or slightly improved version of what I have.

At the Starbuck's, Sylvia, Joseph and Brooklyn were very supportive and Sylvia found my new material to be fox worthy. The Tortuga Lounge crowd was restless. I was on late and I read from the script, because I wanted to see if it was working. The crowd wasn't extremely responsive during my set, but I got some positive comments afterwards. Goes to show that people are listening even if you don't get that impression from the stage.

One of the guys, Dan, was amazed at how organized my material was. Most of these guys work from crib notes on paper pads or iPhones.

I've posted the text below.

Like my air guitar? ...I got it for $99.... and that just covered the first session with my psychiatrist.... Next week, we’re moving to the hard drugs....

Now, you might be asking yourself, just how crazy do you have to be to get prescription hard drugs? ...Looking around the room, seems like many of you are well on your way there... But, it isn’t easy out there, getting along, getting ahead. 

Here I am a white guy trying to fit into San Jose society and you’d think that’d be easy but it isn’t. See this scar here? Got that from wearing the wrong hair net to the gang meeting.

You’ve seen these guys cruising the shopping malls wearing hair nets, right? Am I right?

So, when I first got here, I was pretty lonely. I called my mother and she said, “you know you had such a nice gang of friends here in Canada, why don’t you see if you can find a new gang of friends in San Jose.”

So, I joined up with a new gang of friends. The Cucarachas. I said, “cucarachas? are you a musical group like the Beatles?” For that remark, I got this scar right here.

They said, “no hombre, the beetles, the escarabajos, are over en el norte, we’re en el centro. You’re not Escarabajo, are ya, Blanco?”

“No, no, no, no Escarabajo, Cucaracha. Si.”

“Blanco,” that’s what they call me, Blanco, like I’m their pet dog. Well, a few months ago, I was late for the gang meeting and, once again, I grabbed the wrong hair net out of the dryer before heading out.

“Blanco, how many times we gotta tell ya, Not the Carl’s Junior hair net, we wear the Weinerschnitzle hair net hombre! Now man up, this is gonna hurt!”

What? Isn’t this the gang symbol for Weinerschnitzle? What am I signing here? Some guy in the back is looking at me like he’s gonna get whacked.

It’s OK, I’m white, no one takes me seriously that way. And, yeah I know, like who launders their hair nets. But, what can I say? I’m a white guy from Canada.

You know I am pretty white. It’s like God pulled me out of the great cosmic toaster a minute before the timer bell went off.

“OK, man, that’s it. You’re done.”

“Dear Lord, I’m barely singed, couldn’t I stay a little while longer?”

“Hey sorry, man, but it’s late Saturday night and I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow.

“Well couldn’t I have a few more seconds of growth radiation on my pickle down here? If I’m going to be circumcized, at least give me a kosher dil, right now I’m looking at a baby gherkin.”

“No, sorry no, you gotta go now. You’ll be fine. People will know when you’re glad to see them. Now where did I put my hymn book?”

Yes, I imagine that God keeps a hymn book. Are you surprised? I’m not saying He doesn’t know His hymns. I’m just saying I imagine that He likes having His hymn book handy with Him on Sundays. I imagine that His hymns give Him comfort.

I have no idea what I’m talking about, I just like the sound of that last sentence, ... his hymns give Him comfort.

I also imagine God listening with great pleasure and interest every Sunday when people sing their hymns in church. I also imagine looking at Pope Francis’s travel photos on the Vatican’s new social media site, Faith book. Had you heard about that one?

Last, I was at the Poor House Bistro. Cajun style menu. Blackened seafood and chicken, right? ...That’s what I said to my wife when I burn the pork chops, “they’re not burnt, I blackened them Cajun style.”

Blackening... sounds like what happened to my buddy’s high school when they started bussing black kids there back in the day. ...Yes, their high school blackened up quite a bit once that started. ...Put it this way,

Overnight, they went from being a pretty new school TO being Old School

Overnight they went FROM Wonder Bread to Stevie Wonder

Overnight,they went from reading Longfellow to seeing foot longs.

And I’m not talking about foot long hot dogs for lunch here either. I’m talking about that bulge in guys’ shorts that’s always there whether they’re happy to see you or not! Know what I mean here?

And we had this math teacher back then, Harold Katz. Everyone called him Harry Pussy behind his back. Everyone except my idiot friend, Ralph Bouquet.

Now’s there’s someone who’s well disposed to make fun of someone else’s name, Ralph Bouquet. Anyway, one class, Ralph calls out, “Hey Pussy, show us your straight edge.”

Now, I’ve got the teachers in the audience saying to themselves, “ooh, math porn, bring it on, ooooh, bring it on.”

Ralph spent a long time in detention for that one. Became expert in fractions. Now he’s a tax accountant. Funny how life works out.

And you know, the language down here has taken some getting used to. Before I moved here from Canada, I thought that weeding was something you did in the back yard with a garden trowel.

Here, weeding is done with a bowl in the parking lot.

“Well, yeah man, we take a little weed, put in a bowl and burn it.”

“You set fire to your weeds.”

“Yeah man, it’s cool”

“And nobody complains about the smoke?”

“Man, it’s cool”

“By this time the THC has kicked in and my buddy’s answer to everything is “Man, it’s cool.”

So, then I say to him, “if I pissed into a shopping bag and then poured it on your head, would that be cool?”

“Man, it’s cool. I’ve got the munchies, let’s go to Weinerschnitzle and scarf down some dogs.”

Another term that got me was Def Jam.

What’s that, rap music done in sign language?

You already got the signing going when you rap. You know, like, I’ve got the munchies, goin’ a the Weinershnitzle, scarf some dogs, dawg... Oh man, who’s getting whacked now. I gotta be careful signing that stuff.

So, if you’re rapping in sign language, I see how you would sign smoking weed.

But, how do you sign, weird sex? Anyone? I’m guessing you just do the facial expression of the one on the bottom. Something like this.

See, nobody tells me anything, I gotta figure out everything for myself. It’s the curse of coming out of the cosmic toaster too soon.

And there are so many different cultures here and I’ve figured out a lot of useful stuff.

For example, I like my spicy meals with a Mango Lassie. That’s an Indian drink, and they’re good, aren’t they?

It also sounds like that famous dog’s name, as in “Mango Lassie come home.”

Come to think of it, Mango Lassie sounds like what people from India would call a remake of the Disney classic, Old Yeller.

July 30, 2013 Open Mic, Poor House Bistro, San Jose

Poor House Bistro, San Jose

Pain in the butt parking tonight as One Direction was performing at the nearby, newly renamed SAP center. I went another direction: Took the car home and walked back to the Poor House.

Pretty full crowd. There was a birthday party that was also celebrating a recent engagement. Dad sang Led Zeppelin. One of the comedians got into a friendly tussle with a member of the audience. It was pretty funny considering there was so little content in the exchange.

I was late, due to my parking adventures, so I went on late. Dave, the host said before I went on, we have 15 minutes left for 4 performers: everyone needs to be quick. No problem for me, as many of you know. I got through Lord of the Rings in 3 minutes. The audience listened, laughed at the right places and I received a few thoughtful compliments afterwards. Life is good.

The friendly tussle went something like this:

Comedian: what's your name?
Victim: Harry.
Comedian: Harry! Harry, what do you do?
Harry: none of your business.
Comedian: what? is this some big secret or what?
Harry: Shut up!
Comedian: so, Harry, what do you do here? Do you sing, play guitar, what?
Harry: where were you 15 minutes ago?
Comedian: I was outside getting my act ready. This is my act, folks, 2 jokes and then 5 minutes to find out what Harry does for a living.

July 17, 2013 Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

Foxworthy Starbucks, San Jose & Tortuga Room at the Super 8, San Jose

Two shows today.

Sylvia, Joseph, Brooklyn and Daniel were at the Starbucks. I got there late as Daniel was playing, "Music for Sylvia to do her Homework By." No word on whether that's coming iTunes any time soon. I had rewritten much of my material and found that it still needed revising. In Sylvia's words, "It wasn't fox worthy." Being the host of the Foxworthy open mic, I take her at her word.

Later, with my revised, and now, fox worthy script, I ventured over to the Super 8 where 10 friends of one of the comics showed up to provide a real audience. After 8 blue acts, some of which would have given Picasso himself a blue period (that's an art appreciation joke), my clean act turned those smiles upside down. Oh well, those who knew laughed at the right times. I actually feel confident that it's coming along well. I think I can do much more with the SAP Center joke, but that wouldn't have occurred to me unless I had tried out what I had with that audience. Pete Munoz did a great job hosting. He was hot, but he had good strong fans on hand to keep things cool.

 

Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in the world?

Up the road, I see that the Shark Tank got a new sponsor, S.A.P., that’s a big German software company.

“Vee have vays of making you SAP!”

So is the Shark tank now supposed to be called the SAP center? What are they hoping to do here, land a concert date by the Neon Trees?

The SAP center sounds like a Big Tree. What’ll they call it on Sports Center? The Tree House?

Maybe Owl City will be the new Tree House band?

BTW: What about the Sharks? “Live from the Tree House, the San Jose Sharks?” Sounds like a leftover from that Sharknado movie. A tree house full of sharks. Do you know what I’m talking about here?

Last night, I was at the Poor House Bistro. Cajun style menu. Blackened seafood and chicken, right? ...That’s what I said to my wife when I burn the pork chops, “they’re not burnt, I blackened them Cajun style.”

Blackening... sounds like what happened to my buddy’s high school when they started bussing black kids there back in the ‘70s. ...Yes, their high school blackened up quite a bit once that started. ...Put it this way,

Overnight,they went FROM Wonder Bread to Soul Food

Overnight,they went from “Going to the Hop” TO “Going Hip Hop”.

Overnight,they went from long feet to foot longs.

And usually, I like my spicy meals with a Mango Lassie. That’s not really Cajun, that’s an Indian drink, but they’re good, aren’t they? It also sounds like that famous dog’s name, as in “Mango Lassie come home.” Come to think of it, Mango Lassie sounds like what the Indians would call a remake of the Disney classic, Old Yeller.

That accident at the San Francisco airport is still in the news.

...Turns out that the pilots thought they were coming in on auto-pilot, when in fact, auto-pilot had been turned off.

Auto-pilot, huh? What’s that? Like Cruise Control in your car?..Sounds like an excuse that Lindsay Lohan would try on a Beverly Hills cop.....

“How could I have been drunk driving? The car was on cruise control.”

And then over in Washington, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano is leaving her post to become the first woman president of the University of California.

Well, what does that mean now for UC students?

Do you have to go through a cavity search before oral exams?

And don’t ask Ms. Napolitano if she’s seen your email. Folks, she’s seen all of your email and knows about all of your cell phone calls too.

... Personally, I wouldn’t mind them snooping on my cell phone calls so much if they would only stop giggling when I brag about my sex life.

...And, speaking of national security, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is still stuck in that Moscow airport.

...You’d think that after all this time sitting on crappy sofas, with a foreign language blaring on the TVs and nothing to eat but junk food, he’d be dying to get the hell out of there.

...Then again, add in a few video games and a cheap bong, it sounds like an average Saturday night in San Jose. Huh?

Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too good these days, is it? ...All that rioting going on,

...Aw phooey

..In terms of a government,

...after years under the heavy hand of Hosni Mubarak,

...who wouldn’t want something lighter?

...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way than rioting to discuss whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...

There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see... you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink the beer? I see. OK

Quite a crowd we have here this evening.

In movie news, moving right along Despicable Me 2 continues to dominate the box office.

Who has seen Despicable Me 2?

...Well, audiences love those cute minions.

You know what I mean? All those little yellow guys running around?...

Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?...

And Kim thanks all Koreans for being part of his nuclear family!  

...Apparently North Korea is all one big nuclear family, whether they like it or not.

And another new theme restaurant opened in San Francisco this past weekend.

Aunt Mimi’s. Did you see this?

Mostly comfort food as you might expect. However, being San Francisco, it IS Asian Fusion comfort food.

Peking Duck with mashed potatoes is big there. Ooh boy!

And there’s a floor show. Yeah, Siamese cats come to your table and beg for scraps. Just like at my Aunt’s house.

This also sounds strangely like congress’s new plan for subsidizing food stamps...

“’Scuse me, sir, are you going to finish that cat food?”

And, finally, Pope Francis, the new pope, just cleared John Paul the 2nd and John the 23rd to be sainted this past week.

Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site, ...Faith Book. Everyone’s into social media these days...

Anyway, the Pope cleared the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.

...Still, people wonder why the Saints took on these former popes rather than a devoutly religious quarterback like Tim Tebow. And Tebow has played some fine games, but his forward passing has been a question mark.

...Saints’ coach Sean Payton said, they considered Tebow, but opted instead for men who could actually complete a Hail Mary when it counted.

THANK YOU

July 16, 2013 Open Mic, Poor House Bistro, San Jose

Poor House Bistro, San Jose

Tough crowd tonight. I lost them in the first 20 seconds. Probably my material was a little too complicated or they treated my bit as a break between musicians and time to talk to their table company, which it was. I was the only comic on the list tonight and I went on late. Oh well, I soldiered on and will try again tomorrow. Here's my script.

Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in the world?

That accident at the San Francisco airport is still in the news. And it shows how truth can be stranger than fiction. This is a little complicated, but bear with me...

I guess you all saw that video from KTVU Channel 2 when the anchor read out what she believed to be the actual names of the pilots from that flight. But to anyone watching, it was obviously a racist joke that some bright light had snuck into the show’s script. I will not repeat those joke names here.

All this happened, after KTVU confirmed those names with the National Transportation Safety Board before their broadcast.

Now, that did happen, but the person confirming the names for the NTSB was an intern who had no authority to confirm anything. Here we have one mistake made worse by another.

Well, turns out that they have some pretty interesting names over at the National Transportation Safety Board as well.

For example, NTSB spokesperson, I. Jess Workhere, commented that the intern in question would face dire consequences for his actions.

And since then, the intern who confirmed those names, Hec Whynot, has been fired from his unpaid job.

Shortly after making their mistake, KTVU issued a sincere apology.

Folks, KTVU is a fine Television station, and I can see how overwhelmed people on tight deadlines can make sometimes make stupid mistakes.

That might explain how I, ah, came up with my next set of jokes. <ahem>

Now, Asiana Airlines announced that it will sue KTVU for damaging its reputation. OK, this one makes me pause.

So, imagine this, you’re taking off from San Francisco and the pilot comes on the intercom.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for flying with us this afternoon.

On your right you can see the magnificent San Francisco Bay...

And on your left you can see the remains of Asiana flight 214, which almost landed in that same Bay ahead of the runway there.

Instead, it crash landed and caught fire over there, over there on the left. Bad, bad, situation.

Oh, and that reminds me, ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts we’re about to take off.”

So, Asiana wants to sue KTVU over their reputation? Surely, that would be like Justin Bieber suing Youtube over videos of his droopy drawers.

“Everything was just fine till those damn videos appeared on Youtube, eh?” Justin Beiber is a Canadian, as you might know.

And as you know, it has been revealed that there had been pilot error in that crash.

...After some investigation, the experts found that the pilots had thought they were coming in on auto-pilot, when in fact, the auto-pilot had been turned off.

Auto-pilot, huh? What’s that? Like Cruise Control in your car?..Sounds like an excuse that Lindsay Lohan would try on a Beverly Hills cop.....

“How could I have been drunk driving? The car was on cruise control.”

And then over in Washington, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano is leaving her post to become the first woman president of the University of California system.

Well, you wonder what that will now mean for California university students, having a former security chief in charge of things.

Will students now have to go through a cavity search before oral exams?

And don’t ask Ms. Napolitano if she’s seen your email. Folks, she’s seen all of your email and knows about all of your cell phone calls too.

... Personally, I wouldn’t mind them snooping on my cell phone calls so much if they would only stop giggling when I brag about my sex life.

...And, speaking of national security, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is still stuck in that Moscow airport.

...You’d think that after all this time sitting on crappy sofas, with a foreign language blaring on the TVs and nothing to eat but junk food, he’d be dying to get the hell out of there.

...Then again, add in a few video games and a cheap bong, it sounds like an average Saturday night in San Jose. Huh?

Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too good these days, is it? ...They’re back at it again in Cairo with riots in the street,

...Aw phooey

..In terms of a government,

...after years under the heavy hand of Hosni Mubarak,

...who wouldn’t want something lighter?

...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way than rioting to work out whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...

There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see... you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink the beer? I see. OK

Quite a crowd we have here this evening.

In movie news, moving right along Despicable Me 2 continues to dominate the box office.

Who has seen Despicable Me 2?

...Well, who can blame audiences for being attracted to those cute minions, in Despicable Me....

You know what I mean by all those little yellow guys running around?... Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?... And Kim thanks all Koreans for being part of his nuclear family!  ...Apparently North Korea is all one big nuclear family, whether they like it or not.

And another new theme restaurant opened in San Francisco this past weekend.

Aunt Mimi’s. Did you see this?

The menu is mostly comfort food as you might expect. However, being San Francisco, it IS Asian Fusion comfort food. Peking Duck with mashed potatoes is a popular item there.

And to add atmosphere to your dining experience, Aunt Mimi herself will go from table to table. But instead of serenading you with song, she will, instead, complain about her fresh boyfriends and her over-due power bill.

Just to make you all feel at home.

And for an extra fee, a Siamese cat will come to your table and beg for scraps.

Which sounds strangely like congress’s new plan for subsidizing food stamps...

“’Scuse me, are you going to finish that cat food?”

And, finally, Pope Francis, the recently elected pope just cleared John Paul the 2nd and John the 23rd to be sainted this past week.

Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site, ...Faith Book. Everyone’s into social media these days...

Anyway, as the announcement read, the Pope cleared the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.

...Still, people wonder why the Saints took on these former popes rather than a devoutly religious quarterback like Tim Tebow. And Tebow has played some fine games, but his forward passing has been a question mark.

...Saints’ coach Sean Payton said, they considered Tebow, but opted instead for men who could actually complete a Hail Mary when it counted.

THANK YOU