Lord of the Rings
PG-13
Gandalf: heroic voice
Frodo: high voice
Bellboy: breathy, old voice
<Lord of The Rings Theme Music 0:00>
NARRATOR: I’m sure you’ve
heard of the Lord of the Rings. Here, I imagine these characters appearing on
this stage.
The great wizard Gandalf
GANDALF: Greetings fellow
travelers
NARRATOR: ...together with
the hero, Frodo Baggins, the Hobbit
FRODO: You rang, Gandalf?
NARRATOR: ...I also
introduce a new special guest who you’ll hear from shortly.
GANDALF: It is I, the great
Gandalf here to serve you. ...I come with my rod and staff. ...May I introduce
my traveling companion Frodo Baggins.
FRODO: Yes, I’m Frodo.
...What do you mean you come with your rod and your staff?
GANDALF: Well this walking
stick is my rod and you’re my staff. ...Whatever other meaning could there be? ...And,
speaking of staff, who’s that with you?
FRODO: May I introduce my
cousin, ...Bellboy Baggins.
BELLBOY: Hello Mr. Gandalf!
GANDALF: Bellboy Baggins?
What happened to your gardener, Samwise Gamgee?
FRODO: Samwise got
married. And now his wife only permits him to sally forth on quests as long as he’s
home by 6. ...And as he seeks only groceries, dry cleaning and mystic bath
salts, it works out well for him. ...Speaking of which, I heard you got married
yourself, Gandalf.
GANDALF: Yes, I finally
found a special someone who understood the nature of the ring ...and how to rid
me of it forever.
BELLBOY: But, Mr. Gandalf,
didn’t you do that in the Return of the King?
GANDALF: No, not that ring,
...I’m talking about the persistent ring around the collar that has been cursing
my mystic clothes for all eternity.
FRODO: Maybe Gandalf, if you
were to change your clothes more often you wouldn’t have that persistent ring.
GANDALF: My clothes have
grown on me, boy, and it’s hard to part with them.
FRODO: Maybe if you were
to part with them more often, Gandalf, they wouldn’t be growing on you.
GANDALF: Enough! Mrs.
Gandalf has rid me of the ring’s curse ...and, in addition, ...rid me of my internal
ring worm with her mystic stew.
FRODO: Mystic stew?
What’s in that?
GANDALF: You ask too much,
Frodo, ...in order to succeed in matrimony, ...it is wise never to question the
nature of your wife’s mystic stew.
FRODO: How did you meet
your wife anyway?
GANDALF: She came along to
a shire beer garden with my cousin, ...Lord of the Bling.
BELLBOY: Mr. Gandalf,
Cousin Frodo, wasn’t the Lord of the Bling the one who owned that stripper bar
in Mordur?
GANDALF: No, Bellboy
Baggins, that was ...Lord of the G-Strings
BELLBOY: OK, but wasn’t the
Lord of the G-Strings the one with 5 penises?
GANDALF: No, Bellboy
Baggins, that was ...the Lord of the Flies.
BELLBOY: Oh, there are so
many Lords, it is all very confusing. Just like your name, Cousin Frodo, what
is the meaning of Frodo anyway?
GANDALF: Frodo’s name comes
from an incident when he fell into the frozen rivers of Meth ...just as the
Elfin queen had disrobed.
BELLBOY: Do you mean frozen
like frozen yogurt, Fro-Yo?
GANDALF: Yes, his wooden
staff became an icicle. ...A frozen door key, hence the name the Elfin queen
gave him while she took pleasure in defrosting him, ...Fro-Do-Key. ...The dwarfs
were quite amused and wouldn’t stop teasing him, “Hey Fro-do-key, show us your
Fro-Yo,” until he just took on the name Frodo to shut ‘em up. ...However, the
side effects were drastic and even if Frodo was to ogle an Orc, ...his staff
stiffens into an icy shaft that can only be thawed by the Elfin queen.
FRODO: Lord Gandalf, I
respectfully had asked you not to speak of this matter and to let it rest quietly
for all eternity. ...Now that you’ve awoken my sordid tale, ...I have no choice
but to hide your crystals of viagron as retribution.
GANDALF: Not my crystals of
viagron, ...how do you expect me to stiffen my staff?
FRODO: I suggest you ask
Mrs. Gandalf to concoct a staff stiffening stew. <Music 0:30>
GANDALF: A staff stiffening
stew, huh? ...You know, Frodo, that has a nice ring to it!
END
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