Narrator: I’m
sure you’ve all heard of Downton Abbey. Recently, I was wondering what the
American remake would look like.
I submit to you
the following suggestion, “Downtown Arby’s.”
Here I imagine
these characters appearing on this stage.
Lord Grantham, the
head of the family
Grantham: Yes, my mother and
I would like to be seated in the first class section, please.
Narrator: Charles Carson the
cashier
Carson: Glad to oblige
you, folks, we have a table ready for you right over here.
Narrator: Violet Crawley,
the lord’s mother
Crawley: Are you sure this
is first class?
Carson: Yes, this table is
usually occupied by Old Bob. He never got past his first class at High School,
y’know. There he is sleeping under the table again. Bob, bob, wake up, we have
company.
Crawley: Where are we
anyway? I thought we were going to a European restaurant. That Scottish place
that serves German sandwiches and French style potatoes.
Grantham: A Scottish place
that serves German sandwiches and French style potatoes? Mother, whatever are
you talking about?
Crawley: McDonald’s of
course! Sigh!
Grantham: Mother, tomorrow, I
will take you to McDonald’s. Today, we are dining at Arby’s.
Crawley: Oh damn. And I
wore my best pearls hoping we’d run in to that handsome Mayor McCheese. He’s a
little greasey, but does raise my blood pressure so.
Grantham: Right, then, to
luncheon. What do you have here?
Carson: Sir, what we’s got
is sandwiches. Now, would you have, say, a Roast Beef sandwich, or an ultimate
Angus?
Crawley: Sandwiches, how
horrid, I haven’t touched a sandwich since the Earl of Sandwich took me to see
that awful Burger King. He told me we’d be dining with royalty, then he showed
me his whopper.
Carson: Well, ma’am, we do
have other sandwiches like the reuben.
Grantham: I suppose a reuben
will have to do. Tell you what, we’ll share a rueben and a chopped salad. And
be quick about it before mother starts going on about the Dairy Queen and her
fivesome with the Banana Splits.
Crawley: Ah yes, Fleegle,
Bingo, Drooper and Snork. Those were the days.
Carson: And to drink?
OVER
Grantham: Oh, give us Dr.
Peppers, I’ll tell mother that it’s head ache medicine.
Carson: So, how long you
folks in town for?
Crawley: I heard something
speaking, was that directed at us? I never know how to speak back to these
savages while we’re out in the colonies.
Grantham: Mother! These are
civilized people and America has been independent since the reign of crazy Great
Uncle George.
Crawley: You mean your crazy,
Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Uncle George. Your dad’s family
thought they were so great, yet they were all crazy inbreeders!
Grantham: Now, stop picking
on dad’s family. What did your family ever do that was ever so damned great?
Crawley: As you well know, we
were the first to have nooners and afternoon tea.
Grantham: Does it really
matter so much who or what came first?
Crawley: Well, it did if
you wanted your nooner to last till tea time.
Carson: All this reminds
me of my aunt Irene.
Grantham: Why, was she a
great, great aunt?
Carson: No sir, she was
just crazy (3x’s)
Crawley: There’s that voice
again. It’s like that awful limousine ride from the airport. That twit of a
driver kept going on about landing jumbos. What horse-less carriages have to do
with elephants is completely beyond me.
Carson: Oh you mean you
got a ride with Jackson our regular limo man? Yeah, he likes to say, before he
started driving limos, he piloted jumbo jets. HAHA <ring tone>
Grantham: Good lord, what
was that?
Carson: Oh that’s my smart
phone beeping at me. I got some tweets.
Grantham: Tweets on a smart
phone?
Carson: Yes, I’m following
this twitter feed about the Giants. My buddies are always twittering me.
Crawley: Why do you need a
smart phone to follow a twit? If you want to follow a twit who talks about
Giants, why don’t you just follow that idiot limo driver who keeps going on
about jumbos?
Grantham: Mother, that is
quite enough! Look, here’s a paper cup filled with some fine Spanish Sherry
that I’d brought along with me. Now here you are, enjoy it and please be good.
Crawley: Finally, some
civilization in this god forsaken town! Now, when did you say Mayor McCheese
might be stopping by? It is almost noon!
END
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