Narrator: I’m sure you’ve
heard that Disney paid big bucks for the Star Wars franchise. And that they are
planning 3 new movies.
I thought I might
cash in by suggesting the following prequel, “Darth Vader’s Family Vacation.”
Here I imagine the
following characters appearing on this stage.
Darth Vader
Vader: <breath,
breath> I feel a disturbance in the force!
His wife, Marsha
Vader
Marsha: Probably that Ewok
burrito you scarfed down on Brava 9. I told you it would come back to haunt
you.
Their son, Luke
Luke: Is daddy gonna
stink up the car again?
Their daughter,
Leia
Leia: Not any more than
your stinky acting already does.
Marsha: Children,
children, behave! We still have many light years to go before we get to
grandma’s house.
Vader: <breath,
breath> So, tell me again why I’m spending my vacation driving the family to
your mother’s planet... again?
Marsha: As I’ve told you
many times, she needs us to help her recover from her skull antenna replacement
surgery.
Vader: Serves me right for
marrying a Martian.
Marsha: What?
Vader: You are my
favorite Martian, Marsha, but that operation was so, long, long ago and your
mother lives in a galaxy so far, far away.
Marsha: Well, we should
all be happy. After all, once we get there, we’re all going to celebrate your
new promotion to Tax Evader.
Luke: Tax Evader? I
thought daddy was a Darth Vader!
Marsha: Oh, Luke, (ha ha) that’s
a long way off. First he must learn to be a Tax Evader, then a Tomb Raider
before he can be a Darth Vader.
Leia: I liked it better
when daddy was an Ice Capader! All those cute uniforms he used to wear. Tell us
again when you and daddy first met.
Marsha: Well, way back
when, daddy was a Crusader, having just been promoted from Space Invader.
Luke: And what were you,
mommy?
OVER
Marsha: I was a barrista
at Starbucks. And it was a difficult time: everyone was on strike against the
Empire.
Leia: Didn’t the empire
strike back?
Marsha: No, that came
later, at first, the unions had a New Hope. So, there I was, a barrista at
Starbucks, studying part time to be a light sabre laser surgery technician.
When your daddy showed up all proud of himself in his new Crusader uniform. He
was bringing back a malfunctioning nuclear espresso machine for a refund.
Vader: Yes, it was the
return of the Jedi.
Luke: Was that before
the accident, mommy?
Marsha: Yes, that happened
much later when daddy was a Ralph Nader. Turns out his space craft was unsafe
at any speed, never mind light speed with set of naked, female Siamese triplets
in the co-pilot’s seat. Hmphf
Vader: <breath>
That again. I’ve already said I’m sorry. Besides that was an awful time, seeing
those female triplets. With them, it was ALWAYS that time of the month.
Luke: So, mommy, first
daddy was a Space Invader, then a Crusader, then a Ralph Nader, then an Ice
Capader, and now he’s a Tax Evader?
Marsha: Yes, dear.
Luke: But before he can
be a Darth Vader, he a has move up from Tax Evader to Tomb Raider?
Marsha: Yes, Luke! Very
good!
Luke: Well, why couldn’t
he be a Tomb Raider first, then a Tax Evader afterwards?
Vader: <breath>
Well, son, what would be the point of raiding tombs if you didn’t know how to
hide your income from the tax collector?
Luke: Oh, I get it. I
think.
Leia: Mommy! Daddy! Luke
keeps poking my wookie with his light sabre!
Marsha: Luke, don’t tease
your sister. Put your light sabre away.
Luke: Aw, mom!
Vader: Behave you two, or
I’ll put you up for adoption!
Marsha: <gasp> Honey!
Don’t speak to the children that way.
Vader: I’m sorry. Look
there’s Alderon, let’s stop at McDeathstar’s for some Jolly Meals.
Luke: Yay! Can I get the
one with the toy plasma cannon?
Marsha: OK, as long as you
keep it in the luggage hold till we get to grandma’s.
Luke: Ah, mom, I never
get to play with any weapons in the car.
END
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