Maury Povich on Steroids

Narrator:        When I’m on the bike at the gym, the Maury Povich show is always on the TV. And while the pretense of the show is solving difficult problems for ordinary folks, the real purpose of the show is to entertain the audience by bringing out a parade of ridiculous people to have out their insane arguments live on TV.

                 If I was ever accused on Maury, I would just sit there all quiet like and say, shut the heck up people and show me the DNA test results.

                 However, these people aren’t like me. So, after watching a whole lot of episode segments on line, I have crammed the best moments into these next few minutes as, “Maury Povich on Steroids.”

                 75% of this material is actually verbatim quotes from the show.

Announcer:       This week on Maury, Is my 92 year old uncle the illegitimate father of all 34 children in Ms. Peabody’s Kindergarten class?

Maury:           Meet Shmeezle. And this is her 5 year old daughter, Shmozzle. Shmeezle says that her ex-boyfriend, Dweezle, denies being Shmozzle’s father and instead he claims that the father is his 92 year old uncle, Shlomo. Let’s get it up, I mean, give it up, for Shmeezle.

Maury:           Now, Shmeezle. Tell us why you say that Dweezle is the father of Shmozzle.

Shmeezle:        My daughter looks just like him. Look at this! Look at this photo here! Oh my god, I’m not this color! Look at this nose! I don’t have a pig nose. My girl is better looking than him and he can’t handle that! What can I say?

Dweezle:         You lyin’ woman, you lyin’ that girl looks nothin’ like me.

Shmeezle:        You need to grow up, grow up and be a man. When we was together you likeded bein’ wif me. You likeded it, you likeded it!

Maury:           Well, let’s now bring out Dweezle.

Dweezle:         <comes on stage triumphantly>

Maury:           Dweezle, we’ve heard Shmeezle’s side of the story, now tell us why you are not the father.

Dweezle:         She be sleepin around like a ho. She sleep with the garbage man, the mail man, the chicken man and my uncle, ... man.

Maury:           The chicken man?

Dweezle:         Yeah, the chicken man, the rotisserie chicken man. I seened dem, I seened dem do’d it on the ground, on the ground, on my ground, do’din’ it rotisserie style.

OVER

Maury:           Now, Dweezle, what’s all this about your uncle? Here we have a class photo of Ms. Peabody’s kindergarten class along side a photo of your uncle Shlomo. And that’s Shmozzle in the front row, left of center.

Dweezle:         You see these kids in the front row, they all have hair, they all have teeth. All the kids in the second row have hair and teeth. All the kids in the photo have hair and teeth. Look at my uncle Shlomo, he still has his hair and teeth. He’s the father, not me.

Maury:           Now, over the past 5 years, Shmeezle has given paternity tests to 10 different men looking for the father of Shmozzle. And now she has a dark secret to tell us.

Shmeezle:        I was homeless. I manipulated these men just to get a roof over my head, so if I had to sleep with them, I did it to survive.

Dweezle:         Then stop staring at my back, woman, I’m not the father.

Shmeezle:        I’m going to stare at your back till Shmozzle is old enough to move out. If you wanna keep putting your coin in my purse, then you need to pull out your wallet and pay for Shmozzle.

Dweezle:         I’m sick of her cheatin on me. I good to her, I come home from work, I cook her meals, and she keeps doin’ it over and over again. And I’m tired of it. I caught her. I went to a party, and she’s at the party with a man! And she tried a lyin like she wasn’t with him. So I hid in the bushes, and I jumped out of the bushes, and there she is jumping out of the car with him.

Maury:           Jumping out of the car with whom,
92-year-old Shlomo?

Dweezle:         Yeah, well it getting’ dark and I couldn’t see too well.

Maury:           Well, let’s bring out Shlomo to hear his side of the story.

Shlomo:          <comes out slow and aged>

Maury:           Tell me Shlomo, Dweezle says that not only are you the father of Shmozzle, but you are also the father of this entire Kindergarten class.

Shlomo:          Do you think we could get on with the DNA tests, I’m gonna pee my pants!

Maury:           Well, the results are in! Dweezle, you are NOT the father! Shlomo, you are NOT the father! Shmeezle, you are NOT the mother.

Shmeezle:        Say, what?

Maury:           In fact, I’m the father and the mother is Ms. Peabody!

Announcer:       Tune in next week, when the Maury Povich show is replaced by our new reality show, Kindergarten Dad!

END