The Adventures of Captain Bonehead: Part One
Last Friday, Jeff Ochoa, who runs the Monday Night open Mics invited me to another open mic at the Evergreen Coffee House in San Jose. I did the Star Trek script, but looking in the audience there were families with small children and I felt awkward. So, over the weekend, I wrote this family friendly story. It is pretty silly, but it worked well tonight at the Starbuck's on Foxworthy near Almaden Expressway, where Sylvia Vo runs an open mic on Wednesdays.
Greetings
friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead who has overcome tremendous dangers,
defeated laughable odds, and risked life and limb to be with you this evening.
Let me introduce my companion Lil’ Splinter.
Hello
everyone. Gee, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it
wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?
Well,
Lil’ Splinter, obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.
No,
I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter and we used the commuter lane on the
freeway to speed us here to be with you folks this evening. Captain Bonehead,
we haven’t seen you for a while, what have you been up to lately?
I
have scoured the frozen tundra in search of wild game only to find myself
trapped in a frozen river waiting for rescue.
Gosh,
Captain Bonehead, were you in Alaska?
No,
at the downtown Safeway. They only had one package of hot pockets left in the
freezer, then the line for the cashier took 30 minutes.
Gosh,
Captain Bonehead, why didn’t you just go to a 7-11?
I
needed to park my car so I could go see Iron Man 3, and if you buy something at
Safeway you don’t have to pay for parking. Must I reveal all my secrets and the
tribal knowledge of San Jose to this audience?
Why
would you go to see Iron Man 3, surely you get enough of that sort of action in
your daily life.
True,
but Iron Man is a protégé. I first met him when he was hanging out with the
Vitamen. Yes, Iron and the Vitamen, a nourishing conflagoration of talent if
there ever was one.
The
Vitamen, don’t you mean the Vitamins?
Vitamins?
What kind of english is that? I think you read too many comic books during
class at super hero school.
Well,
actually, Captain Bonehead, at super hero school, comic books were part of the
core reading assignment.
Never
mind that, I didn’t have the privilege of going to super hero school. No, mom
wanted me to be an account like my uncle Seymour Bonehead. But I had a
different plan and found my way through hanging out with the Vitamen in the
back alleys and river parks of San Jose. I owe everything I am to the Vitamen.
Why
did you leave them, then?
One
day, while the campus of San Jose State University was being over run by rogue
bowls of Rice Crispies, one of the Vitamen shouted out, “Great Scoops of
Riboflaven, get down.” And before we could find a duck, I saw him and the other
Vitamen Snapped, Crackled and Popped.
Gosh,
Captain Bonehead, what did you do then?
Calling
upon my friends, Count Chocula and Frankenberry, we milked out the rogue bowls
of Rice Krispies and berried them in the river. Not to sugar coat such a sad
scene of puffed rice facing their final pops.
Where
was Iron Man at the time?
He
had been rusted by the silly Trix rabbit. Doesn’t that rabbit know that Trix is
for kids? Will he never learn?
Gosh,
how did Iron Man escape?
He
ironed out a deal with the silly rabbit, something to do with frosted lucky
charms. Let’s just say, he left the silly rabbit frosted but charmed.
Gosh,
Captain Bonehead, I didn’t realize that so much of your personal history was
tied up in breakfast cereal.
Well,
Lil’ Splinter, when it comes down to it, aren’t we all part of the overall complete
breakfast? Now, come along, we have no time to lose.
Why?
What’s happening?
We
need to rescue Bam-Bam from Fruity Pebbles before she turns him onto Special K.
‘Cause once they taste the K, they are permanently flaked out.
Great
Scoops of Riboflaven, Captain Bonehead!
No comments:
Post a Comment