May 6, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Super Friends

I recited this one for the first time tonight at the Bamboo Lounge at the Silicon Valley Hotel San Jose Airport. It went very well. I got over some of my nervousness and paused at the right spots. The musicians there gave me good reviews.

Thank you, thank you. I’m David Kelly, man, is it sexy in here, is it sexy in here, or is it just me?

I had a pretty good childhood. There were many good times along with some friction and the usual rebellious smart ass from me. Take, for example, an ordinary request from my mother.

David, Can you take out the garbage?

Yes, Mom, I’m perfectly capable of taking out the garbage.

Will you take out the garbage?

I don’t know, I can’t predict the future.

Take out the damn garbage!

Gee, Mom, you’re always yelling at me.

Ah, this isn’t working. I’m so weak. I need some help from someone who is much stronger than I am. I need someone with great super powers to suddenly appear on this stage rescue me for the next 4 minutes. But how, how could that possibly happen?

Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Neh-na Batman!

It is I, the caped crusader, here to save mankind from this horrible sketch.

Holy crummy comedy writing, Batman, had we turned left at Albuquerque, we could have gotten here in time to prevent this sketch from even starting.

Now, don’t start on that again, Robin,… Great breasts of Wonder Woman what’s that?

Down, down, get out of the way.

Superman!

<panting> Well since I got my AARP card, it’s been more like Super Senior Man.

What’s this down, down, get out of the way stuff? And since when was Superman played by Ronald Reagan?

Well, a job is a job and lately, my super cataracts have been acting up and my landings aren’t as crisp as they used to be. I’ve been crashing into stuff… Hey, what happened to the Bat mobile, since when was it pink?

That’s not the Bat mobile. The Bat mobile is in the shop, Robin was bat texting on the way to the bat liquor store, ran into a bad patch of black ice and battered the bat front fender. So I borrowed Mrs. Bat’s mobile.

Mrs. Bat? I thought you were a bachelor? What happened to that?

Well, about 13 years ago, at a bat party, back at the bat cave, I found myself alone with a bat girl, not THE bat girl, but a bat girl nonetheless. To make a long bat story short, my bat condom broke inside the bat girl who is now Mrs. Bat. Maybe I should have removed my bat gloves before rolling the bat condom on. Anyway, we had a girl, her name is Betty. Betty Bat. Now I have this expensive car repair bill and Betty is about to turn 12.

About to turn 12, why is that important?

Soon she’ll be having her Bat-Mitzvah. Bar-Mitsvah is for boys, Bat-Mitzvah is for girls. Do I really have to explain my bat jokes to this bat audience?

Batman, I didn’t know you were Jewish.

Well, Robin, that’s because you’ve never looked while using the bat room.

Why do they call you Robin, anyway?

When I met Robin, his name was Penis Robinowicz. I made him shorten it. Cock Robin was already taken, so, ever since, he has been, Robin.

Holy big bat mouth on a big bat idiot, Batman. Didn’t I warn you never to tell that story? How’d you like it if I cut off your bat ears, glued them to your bat forehead, spray painted you brown and called you Bat Bullshit Man. With your Bullshit Bat horns sticking out of your Bullshit Bat head. Bullshit Bat Bullshit man. What’s the old bat going to say then, huh?

The old bat? The old bat? How dare you talk of Mrs. Bat that way? I think it’s time I taught you a lesson and bat slapped you back to Batland where you came from.

Pow! Sock! Bash! Wedgie! Noogie!

OK, you two that’s enough. It’s bad enough that I now have to hobble about with my super cane, I’m not going to stand for watching you two and your campy stage fighting.

Beep! Beep!

Mrs. Bat is calling me on the bat radio. She wants me to pick up a loaf of bat pumpernickle on the way back to the bat cave. Robin come along, there is no bat time to lose.

Tune in next week when Superman says, I haven’t seen anyone go that crazy since Lois Lane found the Abominable Snowman passed out in the basement of the Fortress of Solitude. Her fault for leaving her left over anchove pizza lying about on the ice shelf. Anyway, Up, up and a cough, cough, cough. Does anyone have a super lozenge?

I knew a guy at Via Rail Canada, when I worked there a long time ago, Steve Riley. He used to repeat that Penis Robinowicz joke about it being shortened to Cock Robin, over and over again. I don't know if he made it up or heard it elsewhere. He was smart and funny enough to have made it up. Attributing that joke to Robin of Batman and Robin was my idea. Cheers, Steve, wherever you are!