May 22, 2013, Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

James Bond

At the Starbuck's on Foxworthy Avenue in San Jose.

The James Bond sketch went well, but I suffered an anxiety attack while doing Star Wars (I'll post that another time) and Star Trek. I was suddenly hot and dripping sweat even though the room was not all that warm. I realized that I had lost my confidence to perform and that I needed to fix the format of my scripts so that they were easier to read on stage and to practice my voice characterizations, which I had real trouble with tonight.

Doubt and anxiety are part of the experience and I've resolved myself to abstract them away from any feeling about myself. I'm far from discouraged, in fact, I'm now motivated to take this to the next level. I have now performed each script that I wrote in April at least once and now is the time to improve each performance and tighten up the scripts.

 

NARRATOR:     Ever heard of James Bond? Here I imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.

James Bond,

BOND:         That’s Bond, James, Bond!

NARRATOR:     ...and his colleague, Agent Dick Small

SMALL:        That’s Small, Dick Small. OH!

NARRATOR:     ...meeting the evil genius, Lodka Tonic

TONIC:        Vi do I trifle vit such small dicks?

<James Bond Theme>

BOND:         It is I, Bond, James Bond, here to save the world from this awful sketch. Dick, Dick, where are you?

SMALL:        <Panting> Hey, James, I’m here. <Panting> if you had listened to me instead of that stupid gadget provided by Q, we would have turned left at Albuquerque and been here in time to stop this sketch from even starting.

Why are we driving across the country in a used Austin Martin, anyway? <panting> Why aren’t we flying?

BOND:         British government austerity, Dick, it stinks, but we need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

SMALL:        I might do that if I could actually sit properly in the car, <panting> why did you make me run for the last mile. I thought we were a team. This is all about you! There is no I in TEAM.

BOND:         Yes, of course, Dick. Team is me… with T&A.

Besides, your fidgety legs were stirring up my vodka. My vodka may be shaken but not stirred.

SMALL:        How did we accumulate so much junk anyway?

BOND:         Special equipment from Q plus a few strategic purchases.

SMALL:        Strategic purchases, like matching Grand Canyon martini glasses?

BOND:         Those will be strategic for my team, me and my T&A. For now, we need to concentrate on saving the world.

TONIC:        Too late, Mr. Bond, for I, Lodka Tonic, evil genius and, how you say, ze big cheese of international crime, has captured ze core essense of zis sketch’s unfunniness to carry out mine evil plans.

SMALL:        What plans are those, Mr. Tonic?

OVER

TONIC:        Zat’s Herr Tonic to you, boy. Mr. Bond, I see zat in zese times of government auzterity zat Her Majesty’s Zecret Zervice has taken to robbing ze cradle. Recruiting such boys.

BOND:         Zecret Zervice?

TONIC:        Da, Zecret Zervice! Is zere somethink wrong with mine Englishk.

BOND:         No… but I’m not sure I’m buying your evil accent. Anyway, may I introduce my colleague, Agent Small.

SMALL:        Small, Dick, um, Small at your service, Herr Tonic.

TONIC:        It’s ze pleasure. Small Dick.

BOND:         Now that we have dispensed with the pleasantries, how do you plan to infect the population with the unfunniness?

TONIC:        Through ze deep artesian wells that flow under ze Milwaukee.

SMALL:        You don’t mean!

TONIC:        Da! I will infect ze beer, ze very life blood of American society, with ze unfunniness. I will turn ze Miller time into ze killer time! HaHaHa.

BOND:         I assure you that we will not permit you to carry out your evil scheme.

TONIC:        Out of my way, you two idiots, I’m off to ze Milwaukee!

SMALL:        Gosh, James, what do we do now?

BOND:         We use a gadget provided by Q to stop him before he reaches his car. Hand me the poisoned darts.

SMALL:        Sorry, we used up the poisoned darts to save Precious Patty from Petrov Peashooter in St. Petersburg.

BOND:         Damn it! Then hand me the laser gun.

SMALL:        Sorry, we broke the laser gun while saving Lucious Lucy from Lars Laffenov in Lubbock.

BOND:         Confound it! Then hand me the empty beer bottle.

SMALL:        Empty beer bottle?

BOND:         Yes, from that table there.

SMALL:        Here you go.

<Long missle sound… Doink>

BOND:         Well, we’ve done it again, Dick: we’ve made the world safe for Miller time.

SMALL:        If it’s all the same to you, James, I’d prefer a Heineken.

END