May 13, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Mad Men

The audience wasn't sure about this one. Some told me that they didn't understand what I was making fun of till half way through. So, going forward, I'm going to dump this intro about who can save me and start the bit with a description of what I plan to do with pre-recorded theme music played from an I-Pod. Making it big and obvious. There was time to do a second piece, so I did Captain Bonehead, which I think is pretty silly, but the audience liked it because it made sense. Well, that's why I get up and do these to see what works and what doesn't. I'll see if I can come up with more episodes of Captain Bonehead.

Thank you, thank you. I’m David Kelly, man, is it sexy in here, is it sexy in here, or is it just me?

It feels like a breatharian's conference here. You know, breatharians, people who tell you that they get their nourishment exclusively from deep breathing? I can't tell if you're yawning or grabbing a quick snack! 

Ah, this isn’t working. I’m such a dummy. I need some help from someone who is much smarter than I am. Someone who is crazy smarter than I could possibly imagine. I need a crazy professional consulting firm to appear on stage with me right now to get me through the next 4 minutes. But how?

<<Mad Men music>>

 Where zhe hell are we? Where’s zhe bar?

Sterling don’t you think you ought to cut down. I mean, are you pissing your pants or are you just glad to see me? I mean, what didjado? You look like you banged the St. Pauli girl while she was carrying a tray of beer. Again.

I’m tashte teshting our new client’s product, Budweiser Diet Whishkey.

Diet Whiskey?

Yesh, lesh filling, and after 3 shotsh, who caresh what it tashtesh like, after 4, who cares about anything elsh? Same marketing philoshophy as their beer. Where’sh Draper anyway.

He went to get a coffee and check on the baseball game. Oh here he is now.

Fellas.

So, Don, what’s the score?

Yes, I did.

What? You mean you shcored with the barrishta? What the hell could you have in common with a young girl like that?

Well, for starters, I found out that we both like it slow roasted. It’s what keeps me going. Come to think of it, Sterling, it’s amazing that you’re still going.

My doctor preshcribed Viagra.

Gee Sterling, I thought that Viagra was for sexual potency, not for longevity.

Well, Campbell, once you get to my age, shexual potenshy is all ya have left. Isn’t that why they call you Draper, Don? Isn’t that like Led Zeppelin’s D’yer Mak’er? Draper? Dja Raper?

For one thing, Sterling, depending upon what season this is of Mad Men, I’m not certain as to whether we’ve actually ever heard of Led Zeppelin. Secondly, your insinuation that I may have raped anyone is unseemly and despicable. Take that back, you moron, or I’ll tell Peg Legged Peggy that you’ve got the hots for her.

Peg LeggedPeggy? I’ve already pegged her. In the copy room on the Xerox.

OK, then how about Buck-toothed Naomi?

Buck-toothed Naomi? Nailed her in the men’sh room at the ladiesh’ club.

Well, then there’s old Pop Eyed Penny.

Pop Eyed Penny? Penetrated her in the parking lot of the Pay N Shave.

Pop Eyed Penny? With the eye patch and everything? Ew.

Yes, eshpeshally with the eye patch. Hubba-hubba, Campbell.

Then, how about Smelly Annalisa?

Shmelly Annalisha? No, even I have my shtandards. I won’t go near Shmelly Annalisha’s, but, if she turns you on, go for it!

Nah, I don’t like to get behind in my work, it’s the only way I get ahead.

Is that all you guys can talk about, booze and broads? Is that what the advertising business is all about? What happened to hard work, creativity and all that.

Well, Campbell, it’s like this. Think of your life, what do you want? What do you want others to give you? While on the surface it might seem like the only thing worthwhile is some lovely, lonely woman sitting in a bar ready for something new, an adventure into another realm, another dimension of being, where one more drink is the key to unlocking possibilities. That is what it is all about, possibilities and our desire to fulfill our destiny.

What a load of crap, Draper, who in his right mind would buy that?

Well, that’s what Sterling said to his wife last time she picked him up from the drunk tank downtown. How’s it going with her now, Sterling?

Like a pro. Shuddenly she talks to me like she was a divorshe lawyer.

Well, this place isn’t helping my Fruit of the Loom feng shui.

What the hell’s that? Draper? Next you’ll be telling us that you need to point your thing at Mecca.

If that’s what it takes to drive home the deal, then, Mecca, here it comes!