July 10, 2013 Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose & Tortuga Island at the Super 8 Motel, San Jose

Did two performances today.

Starbuck's: Only a few of us at the Starbuck's: Silvia, Joseph, Brooklyn and another guy who I didn't know. My sister-in-law, Maggie, who is visiting from North Vancouver came with me. I had fixed the parts that didn't work the night before and have published the revised version below. It was nice doing this outside without a mic.

Tortuga Island: I brought my wife, Mireya, our niece, Angie, and Maggie along. Everyone else in the room was a comedian. The first one asked where my family was from, which is Canada, and then every comedian afterwards asked them about Canada, in a friendly way. The comedians were all very friendly and made us all feel welcome. Curtis was the host this time.

BTW: that Lindsay Lohan joke below is one of the funniest I've ever written. The Pope sequence got the most laughs.

 

Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in the world?

Awful, awful thing that happened over this past weekend at the San Francisco airport. I guess you all saw that. ...That jumbo jet crash landing. ... Naturally, our hearts go out to everyone involved as well as to their friends and families...

Many of my friends have also commented about just how many people survived. ...When you see the video of the crash and the photos of the aftermath, you wonder how anyone could have survived that. ...But, most walked away unharmed and several were tweeting as they walked away. ...Did you see that? Tweeting!

For example, there was that Samsung executive, David Eun who tweeted that it was the worst aviation crash he had ever witnessed...

...since his Galaxy III went dead during a recent game of Angry Birds...

Hate it when that happens! Hate it.

And you know, late yesterday, it was revealed that there had been some pilot error.

...After some investigation, the experts found that the pilots had come in too slowly thinking that they were on auto-pilot, when in fact, the auto-pilot had actually been turned off.

Auto-pilot, huh?...Sounds like an excuse that Lindsay Lohan would try on a Beverly Hills cop.....

“How could I have been drunk driving? The car was on cruise control.”

Lindsay doesn’t quite get the concept of cruise control, ...which might explain how her career has gone so badly off the rails.

Folks, don’t put your career on cruise control, keep driving forward.

And then over in Moscow, National Security leaker Edward Snowden is still stuck at the airport.

This after leaving Hong Kong to avoid being arrested which would have meant losing access to his precious computer.

...Well, Eddy-boy, how’s that “secure wireless connectivity” at the Moscow airport working out?

...What’s it like when every one of your Skype calls is now a “conference call” with Boris and Natasha?

Apparently, he says, not much different than back in Hawaii when federal agents were snooping on every one of his Verizon calls.

... Personally, I wouldn’t mind the snooping so much if they would only stop giggling when I brag about my sex life.

...And there’s been rumors about Snowden going to Venezuela to avoid being extradited back to the United States.

...Folks, I think he’s desperate to go somewhere, anywhere, where the airport commissary offers something other than deep fried Twinkies...

Apparently, the Moscow airport got a special last time buy on Twinkies when Hostess went pbbbft! Oh, and you’re an expert on the Moscow airport. Well, just don’t say that too loudly on your next cell phone call.

But, this just in today, Twinkies are coming back! ...Did you know that?

Maybe since Twinkies are being given a new lease on life, Venezuela might be able to offer Snowden Twinkies with salsa!

It would be a welcome change.

Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too good these days, is it? ...They’re back at it again in Cairo with riots in the street,

...Aw phooey

..In terms of a government,

...after years under the heavy hand of Hosni Mubarak,

...who wouldn’t want something lighter?

...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way than rioting to work out whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...

There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see... you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink the beer? I see. OK

Quite a crowd we have here this evening.

In movie news, moving right along, this past weekend, the Lone Ranger came in a disappointing second to Despicable Me.

Who saw Despicable Me?

Who saw the Lone Ranger?

...Well, who can blame audiences for being attracted to those cute minions, in Despicable Me....

You know what I mean by all those little yellow guys running around?... Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?... And Kim thanks all Koreans for being part of his nuclear family!  ...Apparently North Korea is all one big nuclear family, whether they like it or not.

And this weekend’s box office could be the biggest slap in the face to a media star...since former Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi was caught with his stir stick in the wrong pot of coffee.

And in tennis, Andy Murray won the men’s singles title at Wimbledon, making him the first British man to do so since Fred Perry in 1936....That’s way back there, 77 years ago.... Now, Virginia Wade, who is also British, won the Wimbledon ladies singles title more recently in 1977.... But before last weekend, the drought on the men’s side had gone back to 1936.

...And it brought back fond memories for Queen Elizabeth, yes, the Queen,... big tennis fan and who was a young princess all those years ago. ...Hard to imagine now, but back then, while she was in training to be queen, ...she remembers going to Wimbledon in 1936 to see Fred Perry with her royal entourage and training equipment, ...her royal training hat, gloves and purse.

Now Prince Charles is like, “Hat, Gloves and Purse. Is that what it takes to become Queen?” ...Seems like Charles is so tired of waiting to become King, he’ll now settle for becoming the next Queen.

And, finally, Pope Francis, the recently elected pope just cleared John Paul the 2nd and John the 23rd to be sainted this past week.

Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site, ...Faith Book.

Everyone’s into social media these days...

Anyway, as the announcement read, the Pope cleared the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.

...Still, people wonder why the Saints took on these former popes rather than a devoutly religious quarterback like Tim Tebow.

...Saints’ coach Sean Payton said, they considered Tebow, but opted instead for men who could actually complete a fourth down Hail Mary... Tebow has become a big question mark that way in recent years.

THANK YOU