Poor House Bistro, San Jose
Tough crowd tonight. I lost them in the first 20 seconds. Probably my material was a little too complicated or they treated my bit as a break between musicians and time to talk to their table company, which it was. I was the only comic on the list tonight and I went on late. Oh well, I soldiered on and will try again tomorrow. Here's my script.
Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in
the world?
That accident at the San Francisco airport is still in the news. And it
shows how truth can be stranger than fiction. This is a little complicated, but
bear with me...
I guess you all saw that video from KTVU Channel 2 when the
anchor read out what she believed to be the actual names of the pilots from
that flight. But to anyone watching, it was obviously a racist joke that some bright light
had snuck into the show’s script. I will not repeat those joke names here.
All this happened, after KTVU confirmed those names
with the National
Transportation Safety Board before their broadcast.
Now, that did happen, but the person confirming the
names for the NTSB was an
intern who had no authority to confirm anything. Here we have one
mistake made worse by another.
Well, turns out that they have some pretty interesting
names over at the National
Transportation Safety Board as well.
For example, NTSB spokesperson, I. Jess Workhere, commented
that the intern in question would face dire consequences for his actions.
And since then, the intern who confirmed those
names, Hec Whynot,
has been fired from his unpaid job.
Shortly after making their mistake, KTVU issued a sincere apology.
Folks, KTVU is a fine Television station, and I can
see how overwhelmed people
on tight deadlines
can make sometimes make stupid mistakes.
That might explain how I, ah, came up with my next
set of jokes. <ahem>
Now, Asiana Airlines announced that
it will sue KTVU for damaging its
reputation. OK, this one makes me pause.
So, imagine this, you’re taking off from San
Francisco and the pilot comes on the intercom.
“Ladies & Gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Thank you for flying with us this afternoon.
On your right you can see the magnificent San Francisco Bay...
And on your left you can see the remains of Asiana flight
214, which almost landed in that same Bay ahead of the runway there.
Instead, it crash landed and caught fire over there, over there on the left. Bad, bad,
situation.
Oh, and that reminds me, ladies and gentlemen,
please fasten your seatbelts we’re about to take off.”
So, Asiana wants to sue KTVU over their reputation? Surely,
that would be like Justin Bieber suing Youtube over videos of his droopy drawers.
“Everything was just fine till those damn videos appeared on
Youtube, eh?” Justin Beiber
is a Canadian, as you might know.
And as you know, it has been revealed that there had
been pilot error in that crash.
...After some investigation, the experts found that
the pilots had thought they
were coming in on auto-pilot,
when in fact, the auto-pilot had been turned off.
Auto-pilot, huh? What’s that? Like Cruise Control in
your car?..Sounds like an excuse that Lindsay Lohan would try on
a Beverly Hills cop.....
“How could I have been drunk driving? The car was on cruise control.”
And then over in Washington, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano is leaving
her post to become the first woman president of the University of California system.
Well, you wonder what that will now mean for California university students, having
a former security chief
in charge of things.
Will students now have to go through a cavity search before oral
exams?
And don’t ask Ms. Napolitano if she’s seen your email. Folks, she’s seen all of your email and knows
about all of your
cell phone calls too.
... Personally,
I wouldn’t mind them snooping on my cell phone calls so much if they would only stop giggling when I brag about
my sex life.
...And, speaking of national security, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is still
stuck in that Moscow airport.
...You’d think that after all this time sitting on crappy sofas, with a foreign language blaring on
the TVs and nothing to eat but junk food, he’d be dying to get the hell out of there.
...Then again, add in a few video games and a cheap
bong, it sounds like an average
Saturday night in San Jose. Huh?
Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too
good these days, is it? ...They’re back at it again in Cairo with riots in the
street,
...Aw phooey
..In terms of a government,
...after years under the heavy
hand of Hosni Mubarak,
...who wouldn’t want something lighter?
...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way
than rioting to work
out whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...
There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see...
you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink
the beer? I see. OK
Quite a crowd we have here this evening.
In movie news, moving right along Despicable Me 2 continues to dominate the box office.
Who has seen Despicable Me 2?
...Well, who can blame audiences for being attracted
to those cute minions, in
Despicable Me....
You know what I mean by all those little yellow guys running
around?... Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?... And Kim
thanks all Koreans for being part of his nuclear family! ...Apparently
North Korea is all one big nuclear
family, whether they like it or not.
And another new theme restaurant opened in San
Francisco this past weekend.
Aunt Mimi’s. Did you see this?
The menu is mostly comfort food as you might expect.
However, being San Francisco,
it IS Asian Fusion comfort
food. Peking Duck with mashed
potatoes is a popular item there.
And to add atmosphere to your dining experience, Aunt Mimi herself will go
from table to table. But instead of serenading you with song, she will, instead, complain about her
fresh boyfriends and
her over-due power bill.
Just to make you all feel at home.
And for an extra fee, a Siamese cat will come to your table and beg
for scraps.
Which sounds strangely like congress’s new plan for subsidizing food stamps...
“’Scuse me, are you going to finish that cat food?”
And, finally, Pope Francis, the recently elected pope just
cleared John Paul the 2nd
and John the 23rd to
be sainted this past week.
Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site,
...Faith Book. Everyone’s
into social media these days...
Anyway, as the announcement read, the Pope cleared
the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this
apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.
...Still, people wonder why the Saints took on these
former popes rather than a devoutly
religious quarterback like Tim Tebow. And Tebow has played some fine
games, but his forward passing has been a question mark.
...Saints’ coach Sean Payton said, they considered Tebow,
but opted instead for men who could actually complete a Hail Mary when it counted.
THANK YOU
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