July 9, 2013 Open MIc, Poor House Bistro, San Jose

Poor House Bistro, San Jose

I'm giving the sketches a rest and trying more traditional stand-up comedy, Johnny Carson style. This was my first time at the Poor House, and I was the only comedian who performed in the first 2 hours, the rest being musicians. You want to start out with a big local story, then go national, international, and then throw in a few celebrities from entertainment and sports to finish off. The Pope Francis bit got the biggest laughs. The bit about the crash at SFO went OK, although I was nervous about doing it. Overall I was very pleased.

The lines are spaced out to remind me where to pause and where to put emphasis. The red font is used for words where I was stumbling in practice so I would give them better preparation as they came up. I read from the scripts, I don't have time to memorize everything.

Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in the world?

Awful, awful thing that happened over this past weekend at the San Francisco airport. I guess you all saw that. ...That Korean jumbo jet crash landing. ...Those two teenage girls who died and all those injured people at the hospital...

Naturally, our hearts go out to these folks and to their friends and families...

Many friends have also commented about just how many people survived. ...When you see the video of the crash and the photos of the aftermath, you wonder how anyone could have survived that. ...But all except two did survive. It gives you renewed faith in the safety of these jumbo jets.

There was some pilot error. ...After some investigation, the experts found that the pilots had come in too slowly and tried but failed to abort their landing... Surprising they had trouble with that in California...

Now, ...had it been a Texas airport,... you could see why... an abortion ...could have been a problem. ...It was a last-minute request, ...it was just before the scheduled delivery, ...and there was no way to look at an ultrasound beforehand ...as all portable electronic devices had been stowed away for landing.

There was a Samsung executive on board the flight who actively tweeted about the crash... Did you see that?

Yes, Samsung executive, David Eun tweeted that it was the worst aviation crash he had ever witnessed...

...that is, since his Galaxy III went dead during a recent game of Angry Birds...

Hate it when that happens! Hate it.

Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too good these days, is it? ...They’re back at it again in Cairo with riots in the street,

...Aw phooey

..In terms of a government,

...after years under the heavy hand of Hosni Mubarek,

...who wouldn’t want something lighter?

...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way than rioting to work out whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...

There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see... you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink the beer? I see. OK

Quite a crowd we have here this evening.

And then over in Moscow, National Security leaker Edward Snowden is still stuck at the airport.

Like Tom Hanks in that Terminal movie. Remember that one?

“Kra-kro-sia, Kra-kro-sia” (thumbs up)

Oh come on, it wasn’t that long ago! People in the back of the room are now Googling Krakrosia. ...It was a made up country name for that movie.

...And there’s been rumors about Snowden going to Venezuela to avoid being extradicted back to the United States.

...Folks, I think he’s desperate to go somewhere, anywhere, where the airport Dunkin’ Donuts offers something other than deep fried perogies...

...Yes you can get pretty tired of perogies pretty quickly, can’t you...

And Pope Francis, the recently elected pope just cleared John Paul the 2nd and
John the 23rd to be sainted this past week.

Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site, ...Faith Book.

Everyone’s into social media these days...

Anyway, as the announcement read, the Pope cleared the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.

...Still, the Pope showed no forgiveness for the New Orleans Saints’ recent bounty scandal, remember that one?  No forgiveness at all.

...no the Saints have a few more Hail Mary’s to go before that one’s finally over and done with... Speaking of Hail Mary’s, have you been to confession lately? ...Well, after seeing some of your performances tonight, maybe some of you should go soon!

In movie news, moving right along, this past weekend, the Lone Ranger came in a disappointing second to Despicable Me.

Who saw Despicable Me?

Who saw the Lone Ranger?

...Well, who can blame audiences for being attracted to those cute minions, in Despicable Me....

You know what I mean by all those little yellow guys running around?... Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?... “Happy Birthday to Me. Thank you, my nuclear family!”  Apparently everyone in North Korea is part of the big nuclear family, whether they want to be or not. ...Guy in the back is now Googling North Korea.

And this weekend’s box office could be the greatest undoing of an action star by minions ...since Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former maid... introduced his bastard son to the press two years ago.

And finally, Andy Murray won the men’s singles title at Wimbledon, making him the first British man to do so since Fred Perry in 1936....That’s way back there, 77 years ago.

...And it brought back fond memories for Queen Elizabeth, yes, the Queen,... big tennis fan and who was a young princess all those years ago. ...Hard to imagine now, but back then, while she was in training to be queen, ...she remembers going to Wimbledon in 1936 to see Fred Perry with her royal training equipment, ...her royal training hat, gloves and purse ...and training bra.

Now Prince Charles is like, “Training bra? How dare you! No-one told me about wearing royal training bra. Since when was that part of the deal? Camilla? Were you aware of this?”

Camilla says, “Yes, Charles, Now quiet, Duckie, I’m watching Game of Thrones on the tellie!” ...Yes, even the royals watch Game of Thrones.  

THANK YOU