July 17, 2013 Open Mic, Foxworthy Starbuck's, San Jose

Foxworthy Starbucks, San Jose & Tortuga Room at the Super 8, San Jose

Two shows today.

Sylvia, Joseph, Brooklyn and Daniel were at the Starbucks. I got there late as Daniel was playing, "Music for Sylvia to do her Homework By." No word on whether that's coming iTunes any time soon. I had rewritten much of my material and found that it still needed revising. In Sylvia's words, "It wasn't fox worthy." Being the host of the Foxworthy open mic, I take her at her word.

Later, with my revised, and now, fox worthy script, I ventured over to the Super 8 where 10 friends of one of the comics showed up to provide a real audience. After 8 blue acts, some of which would have given Picasso himself a blue period (that's an art appreciation joke), my clean act turned those smiles upside down. Oh well, those who knew laughed at the right times. I actually feel confident that it's coming along well. I think I can do much more with the SAP Center joke, but that wouldn't have occurred to me unless I had tried out what I had with that audience. Pete Munoz did a great job hosting. He was hot, but he had good strong fans on hand to keep things cool.

 

Thank you, I’m David Kelly. Well, what’s going on in the world?

Up the road, I see that the Shark Tank got a new sponsor, S.A.P., that’s a big German software company.

“Vee have vays of making you SAP!”

So is the Shark tank now supposed to be called the SAP center? What are they hoping to do here, land a concert date by the Neon Trees?

The SAP center sounds like a Big Tree. What’ll they call it on Sports Center? The Tree House?

Maybe Owl City will be the new Tree House band?

BTW: What about the Sharks? “Live from the Tree House, the San Jose Sharks?” Sounds like a leftover from that Sharknado movie. A tree house full of sharks. Do you know what I’m talking about here?

Last night, I was at the Poor House Bistro. Cajun style menu. Blackened seafood and chicken, right? ...That’s what I said to my wife when I burn the pork chops, “they’re not burnt, I blackened them Cajun style.”

Blackening... sounds like what happened to my buddy’s high school when they started bussing black kids there back in the ‘70s. ...Yes, their high school blackened up quite a bit once that started. ...Put it this way,

Overnight,they went FROM Wonder Bread to Soul Food

Overnight,they went from “Going to the Hop” TO “Going Hip Hop”.

Overnight,they went from long feet to foot longs.

And usually, I like my spicy meals with a Mango Lassie. That’s not really Cajun, that’s an Indian drink, but they’re good, aren’t they? It also sounds like that famous dog’s name, as in “Mango Lassie come home.” Come to think of it, Mango Lassie sounds like what the Indians would call a remake of the Disney classic, Old Yeller.

That accident at the San Francisco airport is still in the news.

...Turns out that the pilots thought they were coming in on auto-pilot, when in fact, auto-pilot had been turned off.

Auto-pilot, huh? What’s that? Like Cruise Control in your car?..Sounds like an excuse that Lindsay Lohan would try on a Beverly Hills cop.....

“How could I have been drunk driving? The car was on cruise control.”

And then over in Washington, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano is leaving her post to become the first woman president of the University of California.

Well, what does that mean now for UC students?

Do you have to go through a cavity search before oral exams?

And don’t ask Ms. Napolitano if she’s seen your email. Folks, she’s seen all of your email and knows about all of your cell phone calls too.

... Personally, I wouldn’t mind them snooping on my cell phone calls so much if they would only stop giggling when I brag about my sex life.

...And, speaking of national security, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is still stuck in that Moscow airport.

...You’d think that after all this time sitting on crappy sofas, with a foreign language blaring on the TVs and nothing to eat but junk food, he’d be dying to get the hell out of there.

...Then again, add in a few video games and a cheap bong, it sounds like an average Saturday night in San Jose. Huh?

Overseas, in Egypt that Arab Spring movement isn’t looking too good these days, is it? ...All that rioting going on,

...Aw phooey

..In terms of a government,

...after years under the heavy hand of Hosni Mubarak,

...who wouldn’t want something lighter?

...But come on people, ...can’t we find a better way than rioting to discuss whether a lite government should taste great or be less filling?...

There was this old beer commercial on TV, you see... you don’t, you don’t watch beer commercials? You don’t watch TV! You just drink the beer? I see. OK

Quite a crowd we have here this evening.

In movie news, moving right along Despicable Me 2 continues to dominate the box office.

Who has seen Despicable Me 2?

...Well, audiences love those cute minions.

You know what I mean? All those little yellow guys running around?...

Sounds like a birthday party for Kim Jong-un of North Korea, doesn’t it?...

And Kim thanks all Koreans for being part of his nuclear family!  

...Apparently North Korea is all one big nuclear family, whether they like it or not.

And another new theme restaurant opened in San Francisco this past weekend.

Aunt Mimi’s. Did you see this?

Mostly comfort food as you might expect. However, being San Francisco, it IS Asian Fusion comfort food.

Peking Duck with mashed potatoes is big there. Ooh boy!

And there’s a floor show. Yeah, Siamese cats come to your table and beg for scraps. Just like at my Aunt’s house.

This also sounds strangely like congress’s new plan for subsidizing food stamps...

“’Scuse me, sir, are you going to finish that cat food?”

And, finally, Pope Francis, the new pope, just cleared John Paul the 2nd and John the 23rd to be sainted this past week.

Did you see that? Yes it was on THE Pope’s NEW social media site, ...Faith Book. Everyone’s into social media these days...

Anyway, the Pope cleared the way for these two men to become saints. ...All this apparently after receiving two draft picks and future considerations from the Arizona Cardinals.

...Still, people wonder why the Saints took on these former popes rather than a devoutly religious quarterback like Tim Tebow. And Tebow has played some fine games, but his forward passing has been a question mark.

...Saints’ coach Sean Payton said, they considered Tebow, but opted instead for men who could actually complete a Hail Mary when it counted.

THANK YOU