James Bond
PG-13
Bond: heroic voice
Small: high voice
Tonic: evil accent, high voice
<James Bond Theme 0:00>
NARRATOR: I now present my
new James Bond adventure, Liver Let Die.
Here, I imagine these characters appearing on this stage.
Double
Oh-Seven, himself, James Bond
BOND: That’s Bond,
James, Bond!
NARRATOR: ...and his
colleague, Agent Dick Small
SMALL: That’s Small, Dick
Small
NARRATOR: ...and the evil
genius, Lodka Tonic
TONIC: Vi do I trifle vit
such small dicks?..
BOND: It is I, Bond,
James Bond, here to save the world from this awful sketch. Dick, Dick, where
are you?
SMALL: <Panting>
Hey, James, I’m here. <Panting> If you’d just listened to me,...we could
have been here in time to stop this sketch from starting.
BOND: Yes, Dick, we
should have turned left at Albuquerque....
SMALL: Why are we driving
across the country in a used Chevy Van, anyway? <panting> Why aren’t we
flying?
BOND: Times are tough,
Dick, we must tighten our belts.
SMALL: I would if I could
just sit in the passenger seat! <panting> why’d you kick me out of the
van?
BOND: Your fidgety legs
were stirring up my vodka. My vodka may be shaken but not stirred...
SMALL: I thought we were
a team, but this, this is all about you, James! You and all those damn women,
your T&A. What about me? Am I not part of the team?..
BOND: There is no I in
team, Dick. Team is me ...with T&A. ...But, not necessarily in that order....
SMALL: How’d we
accumulate so much junk anyway?...
BOND: Special equipment
from Q plus a few tactical purchases....
SMALL: Tactical
purchases, like matching Grand Canyon martini glasses?...
BOND: Those will be tactical
for the team, me and my T&A. ...But, for now, we need to concentrate on
saving the world.
TONIC: Too late, Mr.
Bond, for I, Lodka Tonic, evil genius and, how you say, ze big cock in ze
criminal henhouse, Cock-a-doodle-doo! I have captured ze core essence of zis
sketch’s unfunniness to carry out mine evil plans. HAHAHAHA
SMALL: What plans are
those, Mr. Tonic?...
TONIC: Zat’s Herr Tonic
to you, boy. Show some respect to ze big cock! Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Mr. Bond, I zee
zat in zese tough times, Her Majezty’s Zecret Zervice has taken to recruiting zuch
boys, Mr. Bond....
BOND: Zecret Zervice?
TONIC: Da, Zecret
Zervice! Is zere somethink wrong with mine Englishk....
BOND: No… but I’m not
sure I’m buying your evil accent. ...Anyway, may I introduce my colleague,
Agent Small.
SMALL: Small, Dick, Small
at your service, Herr Tonic.
TONIC: It’s ze pleasure,
Small Dick....
BOND: Now that we have
dispensed with the pleasantries, how do you plan to infect the population with
this unfunniness?...
TONIC: Through ze deep
artesian wells that flow under ze Milwaukee.
SMALL: Not the artesian
wells!
TONIC: Da! I will infect
ze beer, ze very life blood of American society, with ze unfunniness. I will
turn ze Miller time into ze killer time! HaHaHa. Cock-a-doodle-doo!...
BOND: I assure you that
we will not permit you to carry out your evil scheme....
TONIC: Dumbkoffs, out of
my vay, I’m off to ze Milwaukee!
SMALL: Gosh, James, what
do we do now?
BOND: We use a gadget to
stop him. Hand me the poisoned darts....
SMALL: Sorry, we used up
the poisoned darts to save Precious Patty from Petrov Peashooter in St.
Petersburg....
BOND: Damn it! Then hand
me the laser gun..
SMALL: Sorry, we broke
the laser gun while saving Luscious Lucy from Lars Laffenov in Lubbock....
BOND: Confound it! Then
hand me that empty beer bottle....
SMALL: Empty beer bottle?...
BOND: Yes, from that
table there.
SMALL: Here you go...
<Long missile sound… Doink> <Music>
BOND: Well, we’ve done
it again, Dick: we’ve made the world safe for Miller time...
SMALL: If it’s all the
same to you, James, I’d prefer a Heineken.
END
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