Mad Men

Mad Men

PG-13

Sterling: old voice

Campbell: high voice

Draper: heroic voice

NARRATOR:        Are you familiar with the television series, Mad Men? If not, here’s all you need to know. Employees of an advertising firm in 1960s New York, who, on the surface, appear to have this terrific lifestyle of booze and sex are, in reality, suffering from moral decay.

<Mad Men Music 0:00>

In this sketch, I imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.

Roger Sterling, who is the senior partner of the firm, and who has had way too much to drink...

STERLING:        Howshit goin?

NARRATOR:        ...Pete Campbell, who is the junior sales executive...

CAMPBELL:        Sterling, you make me sick!

NARRATOR:        ...and Don Draper, who is the creative genius behind the firm and a die-hard sex maniac.

DRAPER:          Fellas, if you’re going to be sick, then maybe step outside and away from the action.

OVER

STERLING:        Where zhe hell are we? Where’s zhe bar? <Fade out and cut music>

CAMPBELL:        Sterling, don’t you think you ought to cut down. I mean, are you pissing your pants or are you just glad to see me? ...I mean, what didjado? ...You look like you just banged the St. Pauli girl while she was carrying a tray of beer. ...Again.

STERLING:        I’m tashte teshting our new client’s product, Budweisher Diet Whishkey.

CAMPBELL:        Diet Whiskey?

STERLING:        Yesh, lesh filling, and after 3 shotsh, who caresh what it tashtesh like, after 4, who cares about anything elsh? ...Same marketing philoshophy as their beer. Where’sh Draper anyway.

CAMPBELL:        He went to get a coffee and check on the baseball game. Oh, here he is now.

DRAPER:          Fellas.

CAMPBELL:        So, Don, what’s the score?

DRAPER:          Yes, I did.

STERLING:        What? You mean you shcored with that barrishta? What the hell could you have in common with a young girl like that?

DRAPER:          Well, for starters, we both like it slow roasted. ...It’s what keeps me going. ...Come to think of it, Sterling, it’s amazing you’re still going.

STERLING:        My doctor preshcribed Viagra.

CAMPBELL:        Gee Sterling, I thought that Viagra was for sexual potency, not for longevity.

STERLING:        Well, Campbell, once you get to my age, ...shexual potenshy is all ya got left. Isn’t that why they call you Draper, Don? ...Isn’t that like Led Zeppelin’s D’yer Mak’er? Draper? ...Dja Raper?

DRAPER:          For one thing, Sterling, depending upon what season this is of Mad Men, I’m not certain as to whether we’ve actually heard of Led Zeppelin. ...Secondly, your insinuation that I may have raped anyone is unseemly and despicable. Take that back, you moron, or I’ll tell Peg Legged Peggy that you’ve got the hots for her.

STERLING:        Peg Legged Peggy? I’ve already pegged her. In the copy room on the Xerox.

DRAPER:          OK, then how about Buck-toothed Naomi?

STERLING:        Buck-toothed Naomi? Nailed her in the men’sh room at the ladiesh’ club.

DRAPER:          Well, then there’s old Pop Eyed Penny.

STERLING:        Pop Eyed Penny? Poked her in the parking lot of the Pay N Shave.

CAMPBELL:        Pop Eyed Penny? With the eye patch and everything? Ew.

STERLING:        Yes, eshpeshally with the eye patch. Hubba-hubba, Campbell.

DRAPER:          Then, how about Smelly Annalisa?

STERLING:        Shmelly Annalisha? No, even I have my shtandards. I won’t go near Shmelly Annalisha’s, but, if she turns you on, go for it!

DRAPER:          Nah, I don’t like to get behind in my work, ...it’s the only way I get ahead.

CAMPBELL:        Is that all you guys can talk about, booze and broads? ...Is that what the advertising business is all about? ...What happened to hard work, creativity and all that.

DRAPER:          Well, Campbell, it’s like this. Think about your life, what do you want? What do you want others to give you? While on the surface it might seem like the only worthwhile thing ...is some lovely, lonely woman sitting in a bar ready for something new, ...an adventure into another realm, another dimension of being, ...where one more drink is the key to unlocking possibilities. That’s what it’s all about, possibilities ...and our desire to fulfill our destiny.

CAMPBELL:        What a load of crap, Draper, who in his right mind would buy that?

DRAPER:          Well, that’s what Sterling said to his wife last time she picked him up from the drunk tank. ...How’s it going with her now, Sterling?

STERLING:        Like a pro. She talks to me like a divorshe lawyer.

DRAPER:          Well, this place isn’t helping ...my Fruit of the Loom feng shui.

CAMPBELL:        Fruit of the Loom feng shui? What the hell’s that? Draper? ...Next you’ll be telling us that you need to point your thing at Mecca. <Music 0:00>

DRAPER:          If that’s what it takes to drive the deal home, then, Mecca, here it comes!

END