Super Friends
PG-13
Batman: heroic voice
Robin: high voice
Superman: breathy, old voice
<<Batman Theme 0:00>>
NARRATOR: OK, Batman. Here I
imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.
Batman, the
Caped Crusader...
BATMAN: Yes, here I am,
answering the call of justice
NARRATOR: and Robin, the Boy
Wonder ...Robin?
ROBIN: Whoops, here I am,
I was answering the call of nature.
NARRATOR: and an old,
elderly Superman
SUPERMAN: Just finished a
big bowl of super bran-flakes. Nature, it’s your call now.
BATMAN: It is I, the caped
crusader, here to save mankind from this horrible sketch.
ROBIN: Holy crummy comedy
writing, Batman, had we gotten here sooner, we could have stoped this sketch
from starting.
BATMAN: Yes, Robin, we
should have turned left at Albuquerque...Great breasts of Wonder Woman what’s
that?
SUPERMAN: Down, down, get
out of the way.
BATMAN: Superman!
SUPERMAN: <panting>
Well, lately, it’s been more like Super Senior Man.
BATMAN: What’s this down,
down, get out of the way stuff? And since when was Superman played by Ronald
Reagan?
SUPERMAN: Well, you gotta
eat ...and lately, my super cataracts have been acting up and my landings
aren’t as crisp as they used to be. I’ve been crashing into stuff. ...Hey, what
happened to the Bat mobile, since when was it pink?
BATMAN: That’s not the Bat
mobile. The Bat mobile’s in the shop, ...Robin was bat texting on his way to
the bat store, ran into a bad patch of black ice and battered the bat front
fender. ...So I borrowed Mrs. Bat’s mobile.
SUPERMAN: Mrs. Bat? I
thought you were a bachelor? What happened to that?
BATMAN: Some years ago, at
a bat party, back at the bat cave, I found myself alone with a bat girl, not
THE bat girl, but a bat girl nonetheless.
BATMAN: To make a long bat
story short, my bat condom broke inside the bat girl who is now Mrs. Bat. ...Maybe
I should have removed my bat gloves before rolling on the bat condom. ...Anyway,
we had a girl, her name is Betty. Betty Bat. Now I have this expensive car
repair bill and Betty’s about to turn 12.
SUPERMAN: About to turn 12,
why is that important?
BATMAN: Soon she’ll be
having her BAT-Mitzvah. BAR-Mitzvah is for boys, BAT-Mitzvah is for girls. Do I
really have to explain my bat jokes to this bat audience?
ROBIN: Batman, I didn’t
know you were Jewish.
BATMAN: Well, Robin, ...that’s
‘cause you’ve never looked while using the bat room.
SUPERMAN: Why do they call
you Robin, anyway?
BATMAN: When I first met
Robin, his name was Penis Robinowicz. I made him shorten it. ...Cock Robin was
already taken, ...so, ever since, he has
been, Robin.
ROBIN: Holy big bat mouth
on a big bat idiot, Batman. Didn’t I warn about telling that story? ...How’d
you like it if I cut off your bat ears, glued them to your bat forehead, spray
painted you brown and called you Bat Bullshit Man.
ROBIN: With your Bullshit
Bat horns sticking out of your Bullshit Bat head. What’s the old bat going to
say then, huh?
BATMAN: The old bat? The
old bat? How dare you bring my mother into this? I think it’s time I taught you
a lesson and bat slapped you back to where you came from.
Pow! Sock! Bash! Wedgie! Noogie!
SUPERMAN: OK, you two it’s
bad enough that I have to hobble about on my super cane, I’m not going to stand
for watching your campy stage fighting.
Beep! Beep!
BATMAN: That’s Mrs. Bat calling
me on the bat radio. She wants me to pick up a loaf of bat pumpernickel on the
way back to the bat cave. Robin come along, there is no bat time to lose.
NARRATOR: Tune in next week
when Superman says,
SUPERMAN: <Music 0:43>
I haven’t seen anyone go that crazy since Lois Lane found the Abominable
Snowman passed out in the Fortress of Solitude. ...Her fault for leaving left
over anchovy pizza lying about. Anyway, Up, up and a cough, cough. Does anyone
have ...a super throat lozenge?
END
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