NARRATOR: Are you familiar
with the old Television series, Agatha Christie’s Poirot? Basically, Hercule
Poirot is a Belgian-born genius detective living in London who solves mysteries
with his companion, Captain Hastings and Chief Inspector Japp the no-nonsense
officer from Scotland Yard.
In this
sketch, I imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.
Hercule Poirot
POIROT: Bon soir, mes amis! <bow> Ah,
mon dieu, where have I left mon French tickler?
NARRATOR: Captain Hastings
HASTINGS: I say, good day, good day to you all!
French tickler, Poirot? Why on earth would you need a French tickler?
NARRATOR: and Chief Inspector James Japp
JAPP: ‘ello, ‘ello. If there’s gonna be
any French tickling going on here, it had better not be on my watch.
POIROT: This room, it is so dusty. I need my
French tickler to dust the book shelves.
HASTINGS: Surely, you mean, you need your feather
duster!
POIROT: Oui. This feather duster, is it not
made of feathers?
HASTINGS: Yes...
POIROT: And these feathers, do they not
tickle? No?
HASTINGS: Well, yes, they can.
POIROT: And are these feathers not from
France?
HASTINGS: Now, hold on, not necessarily, the
feathers could come from anywhere. They do not have to be French feathers.
POIROT: Oui, but the best feathers do come
from France and I seriously need to find my French tickler before Ms. Lemon
gets here.
HASTINGS: Now, see here, Poirot, all this talk of
your French tickler, tickling with feathers and Ms. Lemon is starting to sound
a little kinky, wouldn’t you say?
POIROT: Au contraire, mon ami, erotic perhaps,
but not kinky.
HASTINGS: What’s the difference?
POIROT: The difference between erotic and
kinky, Hastings? Simplement. If erotic means using a feather, kinky means using
the whole chicken!
JAPP: ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s all this then
about playing chicken with Ms Lemon?
POIROT: Ah, mon ami, Chief Inspector Japp!
Hastings and I were preparing for a little meeting between the 3 of us, une ménage
à trois, if you will, OVER
with Ms. Lemon, when I found I
had misplaced my French tickler. What brings you to my office?
JAPP: Nasty business, nasty business about
Ms. Lemon.
HASTINGS: Gasp! What happened?
JAPP: She has disappeared.
HASTINGS: No! Not Ms. Lemon!
JAPP: Unfortunately, so. Apparently,
someone put the squeeze on ‘er.
POIROT: Mon dieu! Put the squeeze on her? My
poor Ms Lemon. She has such a, how do you say, zest for life! Who would do such
a thing?
JAPP: Well I was ‘oping you could ‘elp us
figure that out.
HASTINGS: Where was she seen last?
JAPP: Far as we can tell, she was last
seen leaving the local chemist’s shop.
POIROT: Do you know if she looked OK?
JAPP: Well, the report says, she looked
pretty juiced up.
POIROT: And then?
JAPP: And then, the story takes a strange
twist. We lost ‘er in the crowd but not before a patrol officer saw her hop
into a car with her sister Lulu.
HASTINGS: Lulu? Lulu Lemon? How revealing! That
Lulu Lemon, she’s such a tart!
POIROT: Hastings! And then what happened?
JAPP: Well, that’s it. The Lemons dropped
into a car and peeled away. Who knows where she’s gone now? Leaves a bitter
taste in my mouth, it does.
HASTINGS: Well, it is a rather juicy story.
POIROT: Juicy, yes, but, nevertheless, we must
find Ms Lemon and see that she is not in any danger.
JAPP: Where do you suggest we look first?
POIROT: First, my dear Chief Inspector, I must
tickle my little grey cells and think about where the Ms Lemons would go to
escape this squeeze.
HASTINGS: The poor Ms Lemons. Maybe, they have
gone where there are other lemons.
POIROT: Precisement, Hastings, they are with
other lemons! Chief Inspector Japp, you will find the Ms. Lemons at the local
garage having their car fixed.
JAPP: ‘ow in the world would you know
that?
POIROT: Simplement, Chief Inspector, for I
sold that car to those ladies and indeed, it is a lemon!
HASTINGS: Jolly good, Poirot, I am so relieved
that we came to Ms Lemon’s assistance.
JAPP: Well, it’s been a slice! Tell me
Poirot, just how do you manage to solve these mysteries without leaving your
apartment, then?
POIROT: My dear chief inspector, it was simply
a matter of tickling my grey cells without using the whole chicken! END
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