California Mission Impossible

Narrator:        Let’s go back, way back, to a time in the distant past when California’s Spanish missions from San Diego to Sonoma were in full operation. I call this sketch, California Mission Impossible.

                 Let me now introduce you to the mission leader, Father Bravo:

Bravo:           Ouch! What in the Lord’s name? Something just hit me in the head!

                 The inventor, Brother Huevos:

Huevos:          Ah, my experiment worked. You have received an instant message, Father!

                 And the assistant to Brother Huevos, Brother Cervesas:

Cervesas:        Instant message? Is that what you call getting hit in the head? All this time, I thought the colonel’s daughter was simply slapping my face for staring at her breasts. I didn’t know this was an instant message. Although, I did get her message instantly!

Huevos:          You idiot, this has nothing to do with staring at breasts, this has to do with a new form of mass communication I call texting.

Cervesas:        Brother, why do we need a new form of  mass communication when we have the good father’s sermon and the bible to guide us? Is the good father going to start slapping us now?

Bravo:           Enough! This instant message, as you call it, appears to be nothing more than a tortilla with some writing on it, wrapped around a small stone.

Huevos:          Well, let’s see what the writing says.

Cervesas:        It is from the colonel. “Bravo, tell Cervesas to stop ogling my daughter. This tortilla will self-destruct in 10 seconds. LOL”

Bravo:           LOL, Huevos?

Huevos:          Yes, Love our Lord. In order to save time and space on the tortilla, I have invented a few simple abbreviations. LOL means Love our Lord, for example.

Bravo:           Let me see that message, Cervesas.

Cervesas:        Sorry, you can’t: it has self-destructed, Father.

Bravo:           How does a tortilla self-destruct?

Cervesas:        I ate it and it is presently self-destructing in my stomach. Are you going to slap me now, Father?

Bravo:           Huevos, what’s going on here? What exactly is this experiment that you’re running?

Huevos:          Behold, this table adorned with an array of flat stone tablets! Individual pads or iPads for short.

Cervesas:        Oh, like the tablets brought down by Moses from Mt. Sinai? Although, I do not think he called those iPads. iPads don’t appear in the Bible till much later, in the book of Jobs.  OVER

Huevos:          Similar, yes, but instead of carving directly into the stone, we use something in between. We use a flat tortilla as our media.

Cervesas:        Media? Like the colonel’s daughter, Medea? There’s nothing flat about her!

Huevos:          Quiet. C! Using a hot pin as a stylus, we can write up to 140 characters on each tortilla. Then we add some fried, grated potato at the bottom.

Bravo:           Why the potato?

Huevos:          It gives the message more meaning during self-destruction. I call it the hash brown tag, Father.

Bravo:           Very interesting. How then is each of these text messages distributed, H?

Huevos:          After composing the message upon the tortilla, it is wrapped around a small stone. The format is called a tort.

Cervesas:        Wrapped with wire, brother?

Huevos:          No, these are wireless torts. We use common twine and then hand it off to a transportadora for delivery.

Cervesas:        Transporta Dora? Who’s this Dora? Does she have large breasts, brother?

Huevos:          A transportadora who then takes it to its destination address and flings it at a patch of fishing net that is connected to a clothes line. Hence, the tort is delivered on-line through a connected net.

Bravo:           But, this tort hit me in the head!

Heuvos:          Well, then, at the time, your connected net must been off-line, Father.

Bravo:           And, why do you need an iPad to tort? Why can’t I tort from my lap-top?

Huevos:          iPads are cool and tablets have been part of our religion since Moses. You’re not tablet agnostic are you, Father? Also, when the torting is done, you can play games on your iPad. 

Bravo:           Games? What kind of games?

Huevos:          Angry birds, for example.

Cervesas:        How do you play angry birds on an iPad, brother?

Huevos:          First, I connect mine to a mouse, then I take it out to the tall grass and watch the hawks fight over the mouse. Those birds become very angry indeed.

Bravo:           OK, but then, what if we want to reach across to different Catholic sects? We’re Franciscans and the Colonel and his family are Jesuits, what then?

Huevos:          For that, I’ve invented sect-sting!

Cervesas:        Sect-sting! Let me try that! “Dear Medea, I yearn to do you missionary style. Your iPad or mine? LOL hash brown tag: hubba hubba.

Huevos:          Cervesas, you are nothing but impossible!

END