Lord of the Rings

Lord of the Rings

PG-13

Gandalf: heroic voice

Frodo: high voice

Bellboy: breathy, old voice

<Lord of The Rings Theme Music 0:00>

NARRATOR:        I’m sure you’ve heard of the Lord of the Rings. Here, I imagine these characters appearing on this stage.

The great wizard Gandalf

GANDALF:         Greetings fellow travelers

NARRATOR:        ...together with the hero, Frodo Baggins, the Hobbit

FRODO:           You rang, Gandalf?

NARRATOR:        ...I also introduce a new special guest who you’ll hear from shortly.

GANDALF:         It is I, the great Gandalf here to serve you. ...I come with my rod and staff. ...May I introduce my traveling companion Frodo Baggins.

FRODO:           Yes, I’m Frodo. ...What do you mean you come with your rod and your staff?

GANDALF:         Well this walking stick is my rod and you’re my staff. ...Whatever other meaning could there be? ...And, speaking of staff, who’s that with you?

FRODO:           May I introduce my cousin, ...Bellboy Baggins.

BELLBOY:         Hello Mr. Gandalf!

GANDALF:         Bellboy Baggins? What happened to your gardener, Samwise Gamgee?

FRODO:           Samwise got married. And now his wife only permits him to sally forth on quests as long as he’s home by 6. ...And as he seeks only groceries, dry cleaning and mystic bath salts, it works out well for him. ...Speaking of which, I heard you got married yourself, Gandalf.

GANDALF:         Yes, I finally found a special someone who understood the nature of the ring ...and how to rid me of it forever.

BELLBOY:         But, Mr. Gandalf, didn’t you do that in the Return of the King?

GANDALF:         No, not that ring, ...I’m talking about the persistent ring around the collar that has been cursing my mystic clothes for all eternity.

FRODO:           Maybe Gandalf, if you were to change your clothes more often you wouldn’t have that persistent ring.

GANDALF:         My clothes have grown on me, boy, and it’s hard to part with them.

FRODO:           Maybe if you were to part with them more often, Gandalf, they wouldn’t be growing on you.

GANDALF:         Enough! Mrs. Gandalf has rid me of the ring’s curse ...and, in addition, ...rid me of my internal ring worm with her mystic stew.

FRODO:           Mystic stew? What’s in that?

GANDALF:         You ask too much, Frodo, ...in order to succeed in matrimony, ...it is wise never to question the nature of your wife’s mystic stew.

FRODO:           How did you meet your wife anyway?

GANDALF:         She came along to a shire beer garden with my cousin, ...Lord of the Bling.

BELLBOY:         Mr. Gandalf, Cousin Frodo, wasn’t the Lord of the Bling the one who owned that stripper bar in Mordur?

GANDALF:         No, Bellboy Baggins, that was ...Lord of the G-Strings

BELLBOY:         OK, but wasn’t the Lord of the G-Strings the one with 5 penises?

GANDALF:         No, Bellboy Baggins, that was ...the Lord of the Flies.

BELLBOY:         Oh, there are so many Lords, it is all very confusing. Just like your name, Cousin Frodo, what is the meaning of Frodo anyway?

GANDALF:         Frodo’s name comes from an incident when he fell into the frozen rivers of Meth ...just as the Elfin queen had disrobed.

BELLBOY:         Do you mean frozen like frozen yogurt, Fro-Yo?

GANDALF:         Yes, his wooden staff became an icicle. ...A frozen door key, hence the name the Elfin queen gave him while she took pleasure in defrosting him, ...Fro-Do-Key. ...The dwarfs were quite amused and wouldn’t stop teasing him, “Hey Fro-do-key, show us your Fro-Yo,” until he just took on the name Frodo to shut ‘em up. ...However, the side effects were drastic and even if Frodo was to ogle an Orc, ...his staff stiffens into an icy shaft that can only be thawed by the Elfin queen.

FRODO:           Lord Gandalf, I respectfully had asked you not to speak of this matter and to let it rest quietly for all eternity. ...Now that you’ve awoken my sordid tale, ...I have no choice but to hide your crystals of viagron as retribution.

GANDALF:         Not my crystals of viagron, ...how do you expect me to stiffen my staff?

FRODO:           I suggest you ask Mrs. Gandalf to concoct a staff stiffening stew. <Music 0:30>

GANDALF:         A staff stiffening stew, huh? ...You know, Frodo, that has a nice ring to it!

END

Captain Bonehead Episode 3

Captain Bonehead Episode 3

Family friendly

Bonehead: heroic voice

Splinter: high voice

NARRATOR:        It is time once again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.

BONEHEAD:        Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?

SPLINTER:        Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

BONEHEAD:        Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

SPLINTER:        No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?

BONEHEAD:        I have been immersed in great philosophical debate about the transcendental perfection of simple geometry.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you talking to a math professor?

BONEHEAD:        No, I was at the local burger joint trying to convince Hedda, ...that’s my wife,

BONEHEAD:        Hedda Bonehead, ...trying to convince Hedda that, a burger, fries and a shake, are indeed, a square meal.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, don’t you think you should eat more vegetables?

BONEHEAD:        True, and I am a Texas vegetarian.

SPLINTER:        But, you eat hamburgers.

BONEHEAD:        I’m a vegetarian by proxy: I let the cattle eat the vegetation for me.

SPLINTER:        Great bites of nutrition, Captain Bonehead!

BONEHEAD:        Here’s my friend Cal Tater to tell you all about it!

SPLINTER:        Pleased to meet cha, Mr. Tater.

TATER:           Hyuck (4x)! ...Anyone wanna buy a burger? ...Hyuck (5x)!

                 I’m Cal Tater, owner of Cal Tater’s Texas Veggie Burger Barbeque Emporium. Whew, that’s quite a mouthful, and so are my burgers! ...Hyuck (3x)!

                 We take the best ingredients: ...store bought tamatas, ...bag fresh lettuce, skin tight onions ...and the best grass fed beef burgers you ever laid your eyes on. Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:        But, Mr. Tater, how can there be beef in your veggie burgers?

TATER:           I’m getting to that, son! Hyuck (3x) First, we lay down those deelicious patties on the griddle ...all gentle like and fry ‘em up till they’re just right, just right, and then, ...just before we serve ‘em up, we add our own, special, 100% genuine, organic vegetarian barbeque sauce to each and every one of them to give you the best, ...and I say, the best, Texas Veggie Barbecue Burger your family has ever tasted! Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:        But, Mr. Tater, that isn’t a veggie burger, it isn’t even barbecued! That’s just a fried patty with some sauce added to it!

TATER:           Hyuck (3x)! Not just some sauce, but the best, I say, the best veggie barbecue sauce there ever was!

SPLINTER:        But, a veggie burger is supposed to be made out of vegetables with no meat whatsoever. You can’t just add a sauce and call it veggie!

TATER:           Well, that’s what we do and folks love ‘em up plenty with tasty tater fries and a frooty shake to wash it down. ...Oops, look at the time, gotta run. Gotta run I do. Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:        Bye

BONEHEAD:        Lil’ Splinter, what are you talking about? A veggie burger with no meat? Who in their right mind would eat that?

SPLINTER:        Lots of people. Vegetarians, for example.

BONEHEAD:        Are you saying that there are people who call themselves vegetarians who actually don’t eat any meat?

SPLINTER:        YES. My goodness, Captain Bonehead, how could you live in California and never come across vegetarians? They’re everywhere.

BONEHEAD:        Well, what can I say? I don’t know what vegetarians look like. I’ve never been to Vegetaria.

SPLINTER:        There’s no such place as Vegetaria! ...And, vegetarians look like everyone you know, ...except maybe thinner because they don’t eat animal fat. And if you ate more veggies, you’d be thinner too.

BONEHEAD:        Well, I could stand to lose a few. ...Maybe, I’ll get Cal to add more veggie sauce to my burgers.

SPLINTER:       Great bites of nutrition, C. Bonehead!

END

Captain Bonehead Episode 2

Captain Bonehead Episode 2

Family friendly

Bonehead: heroic voice

Splinter: high voice

NARRATOR:        It is time once again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.

BONEHEAD:        Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?

SPLINTER:        Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

BONEHEAD:        Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

SPLINTER:        No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?

BONEHEAD:        I have traveled the wilderness in search of spatial enlightenment.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you in Tibet?

BONEHEAD:        No, at the AMC Mercado in Santa Clara, looking for a parking spot. I had tickets for Fast & Furious.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, don’t you get enough speed and fury in your day job?

BONEHEAD:        True, but it was Mrs. Bonehead’s birthday and Hedda, ...that’s my wife, ...Hedda Bonehead, wanted to see something relaxing.

SPLINTER:        Mrs. Bonehead thought Fast & Furious would be relaxing?

BONEHEAD:        In her mind, compared to being married to a super hero, Fast & Furious was a Sunday drive in the park. ...Besides, I wanted to see the chase scene with the tank.

SPLINTER:        The tank? Why, because it gave you some ideas ‘bout fighting crime?

BONEHEAD:        No, because the tank reminded me of my dear, departed, Mother, ...Fiona Bonehead.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, how on Earth does a tank remind you of your mother.

BONEHEAD:        Obviously, you never saw Mother driving the family mini-van through rush hour traffic. ...Boy, talk about fast and furious.

OVER

BONEHEAD:        We were never late for anything: she was MY super hero.

SPLINTER:        My goodness, what a childhood you had, Captain Bonehead! ...But when it comes down to it, isn’t every mom a super hero? ...I see you have a guest.

BONEHEAD:        Yes, This is my old friend, the Green Ranger, who is all about cleaning up waste and pollution.

RANGER:          Greenings, friend!

SPLINTER:        Greenings? Pleased to meet you, Mr. Ranger, but don’t you mean, Greetings?

RANGER:          No, I do mean, Greenings, ...for if we don’t make the planet more green, soon there will be no-one left to greet anyone. ...Which reminds me, Lil’ Splinter, what have you done recently to make the Earth more green?

SPLINTER:        I car pooled with the Intrepid Commuter.

RANGER:          That’s great! How about you, Captain Bonehead?

BONEHEAD:        Today, I proudly ate my lunch with only one chopstick.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, only one chopstick? How did you manage that?

BONEHEAD:        Well, what started as a mad frenzy of stabbing became a colossal blood bath, ...and that was only my tomato soup! ...Took forever to finish my Caesar salad.

BONEHEAD:        ...At the end my croutons were smashed to smithereens.

RANGER:          Bonehead, you have given us a fine example of thinking green, ...but in the future, you can use two chopsticks as long as they are re-usable and non-disposable.

BONEHEAD:        Now you tell me, ...after I was finished stabbing my tomato soup, Hedda, ...that’s Mrs. Bonehead to you, ...looked like she’d been attacked by a giant pitcher of orange Kool-Aid.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, you sure like to take everything to the extreme.

BONEHEAD:        Well, shouldn’t we all live life at the fullest, ...dance like no-one’s looking, ...smile like there’s no tomorrow ...and laugh like no-one can hear us? ...I’m sure this audience is with me on that one. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear you laugh like no-one can hear you!

RANGER:          Bonehead, confound it, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but by asking the audience to laugh that way, you’ve made me turn a shade of green that I never thought was possible.

BONEHEAD:        It’s amazing what we can achieve when we put our heads together, Ranger.

SPLINTER:        Great Pitchers of Kool-Aid, Captain Bonehead!

END

June 7, 2013 Open Mic, Evergreen Coffee Company, San Jose

Captain Bonehead Episode 3

At the Evergreen Coffee Company tonight. Small crowd until 8:00, then it got pretty busy. Jeff was wondering if everyone was on vacation. Nice piano solo by Marc Carbonell while accompanying a lady who sang the blues. No word if he asked her for some happy news. She did smile and turn away, though.

I performed a new episode of Captain Bonehead. I'm trying to come up with original characters. A new character here, Cal Tater, is a combination of what Joe Penner was doing on the radio in the 1930s (learned from some research I've been doing) and an ad for a "barbecue burger" restaurant in Dallas that I saw on TV there last January. Acknowledged and accepted that it will take a long time to come up with something that is much more original.

NARRATOR:     It is time once again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.

BONEHEAD:     Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?

SPLINTER:     Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

BONEHEAD:     Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

SPLINTER:     No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?

BONEHEAD:     I have been immersed in great philosophical debate about the transcendental perfection of simple geometry.

SPLINTER:     Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you talking to a math professor?

BONEHEAD:     No, I was at the local burger joint trying to convince Hedda, ...that’s my wife,

BONEHEAD:     Hedda Bonehead, ...trying to convince Hedda that, a burger, fries and a shake, are indeed, a square meal.

SPLINTER:     Gosh, Captain Bonehead, don’t you think you should eat more vegetables?

BONEHEAD:     True, and I am a Texas vegetarian.

SPLINTER:     But, you eat hamburgers.

BONEHEAD:     I’m a vegetarian by proxy: I let the cattle eat the vegetation for me.

SPLINTER:     Great bites of nutrition, Captain Bonehead!

BONEHEAD:     Here’s my friend Cal Tater to tell you all about it!

SPLINTER:     Pleased to meet cha, Mr. Tater.

TATER:        Hyuck (4x)! ...Anyone wanna buy a burger? ...Hyuck (5x)!

              I’m Cal Tater, owner of Cal Tater’s Texas Veggie Burger Barbeque Emporium. Whew, that’s quite a mouthful, and so are my burgers! ...Hyuck (3x)!

              We take the best ingredients: ...store bought tamatas, ...bag fresh lettuce, skin tight onions ...and the best grass fed beef burgers you ever laid your eyes on. Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:     But, Mr. Tater, how can there be beef in your veggie burgers?

TATER:        I’m getting to that, son! Hyuck (3x) First, we lay down those deelicious patties on the griddle ...all gentle like and fry ‘em up till they’re just right, just right, and then, ...just before we serve ‘em up, we add our own, special, 100% genuine, organic vegetarian barbeque sauce to each and every one of them to give you the best, ...and I say, the best, Texas Veggie Barbecue Burger your family has ever tasted! Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:     But, Mr. Tater, that isn’t a veggie burger, it isn’t even barbecued! That’s just a fried patty with some sauce added to it!

TATER:        Hyuck (3x)! Not just some sauce, but the best, I say, the best veggie barbecue sauce there ever was!

SPLINTER:     But, a veggie burger is supposed to be made out of vegetables with no meat whatsoever. You can’t just add a sauce and call it veggie!

TATER:        Well, that’s what we do and folks love ‘em up plenty with tasty tater fries and a strawberry shake to wash it down. ...Oops, look at the time, gotta run. Gotta run I do. Hyuck (3x)!

SPLINTER:     Bye

BONEHEAD:     Lil’ Splinter, what are you talking about? A veggie burger with no meat? Who in their right mind would eat that?

SPLINTER:     Lots of people. Vegetarians, for example.

BONEHEAD:     Are you saying that there are people who call themselves vegetarians who actually don’t eat any meat?

SPLINTER:     YES. My goodness, Captain Bonehead, how could you live in California and never come across vegetarians? They’re everywhere.

BONEHEAD:     Well, what can I say? I don’t know what vegetarians look like. I’ve never been to Vegetaria.

SPLINTER:     There’s no such place as Vegetaria! ...And, vegetarians look like everyone you know, ...except maybe thinner because they don’t eat animal fat. And if you ate more veggies, you’d be thinner too.

BONEHEAD:     Well, I could stand to lose a few. ...Maybe, I’ll get Cal to add more veggie sauce to my burgers.

SPLINTER:     Great bites of nutrition, Captain Bonehead!

June 3, 2013 Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Star Wars

Smaller turn out at the Bamboo Lounge compared to recent weeks, but many regulars plus a few I had not seen before. Nice opening set by guitarist and singer, Joseph Mortela accompanied on percussion by Marc Carbonell. I tried Star Wars using our iPod for opening and closing music. I need a longer patch cord. Went well otherwise. I'm reposting the script here because I made several changes.

This is PG-13 material: it is not gross, but not for tweens either.

 

<<Play Star Wars Theme 0:00>>

NARRATOR:        A short while ago, in a Buick Galaxy not too far from here, these characters were driving around San Jose.

Obi-wan Kenobe

OBI-WAN:         May the force be with you.

NARRATOR:        ...Luke Skywalker

SKYWALKER:       Obi-wan forced me to be here

NARRATOR:        ...and Yoda

YODA:            Quiet, young Skywalker or feel the force of the back of my hand upside your head, you will!

YODA:            Come, to rescue this sketch have we. ...Swampy this planet appears, thinking what were you, Skywalker?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, had you truly used the force, ...we would have made that left turn at Albuquerque ...and been on our way to the rebel base by now.

SKYWALKER:       Use the force, use the force, that’s all you ever say to me, Obi-wan. Use the force, you’re like a looping hologram.

YODA:            A broken record, you must mean!

SKYWALKER:       A broken record?!  Holy death stars, just exactly how old are you, anyway, Yoda?

YODA:            Old enough to deserve a little more respect, I am.

SKYWALKER:       And you’re so tall, Master Yoda, up till now, you’ve appeared as an alien munchkin. What happened?

YODA:            A Jedi mind trick, I use, yes, just like the Jedi mind trick I use to force this audience to laugh at your lame jokes. Hmmm?

OBI-WAN:         Luke, you must not lose faith in the force.

SKYWALKER:       Yeah, whatever, like when was the last time you used the force, Obi-wan? Like when you forced yourself to attend that Justin Bieber concert with Chewbacca?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, that used a lot of force. ...Who knew that Chewy was such a belieber?

YODA:            Quibble shall we not, for I am the great Yoda, teacher of teachers here to rescue this so-called sketch, I am.

SKYWALKER:       So why do they call you, Yoda, anyway?

OBI-WAN:         That’s because, Luke, back in his federation academy days, Master Yoda spent a lost weekend with a party of curvy females on Alderon. Venus fly traps they were.

SKYWALKER:       Venus fly traps? What? Did they trap his fly?

OBI-WAN:         Indeed they did! First they called him over, ‘Yo, Daddy, Yo, Daddy!’ Yoda was over seven feet tall in those days. The last thing anyone heard before his fly was trapped was, ‘Yo, Da…’ followed by an enormous sucking sound. <<sucking sound>> Yo Da <<sucking sound>>

SKYWALKER:       What? Like, she sucked him off?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, Yo Da <<sucking sound>> She sucked about four feet of him off. ...Set his light sabre permanently to stun if you can imagine.

YODA:            Enough, that is! All these lies! These fantastic lies, believe in, you do, and too freely, you tell. Too much time watching blue holograms, you spend. Up will you shut your big mouths or thrust I will my light sabre so far up Uranus, be seeing Pluto you will! And a Jedi mind trick, it won’t be.

<<Pause>> <Set Wannabe to 0:34>>

SKYWALKER:       This audience reminds me of Han Solo.

YODA:            Why, because jump to light speed they are?

SKYWALKER:       No, because they appear to be cryogenically frozen like Solo was at the end of the Empire Strikes Back.

OBI-WAN:         Really, last time I saw Han Solo, ...he was in a threesome with C- 3 PO and R2D2.

SKYWALKER:       Really? Are 3 PO and R2 tops or botts?

OBI-WAN:         Last time I checked, they were both botts.

SKYWALKER:       Which explains why they needed a threesome!

OBI-WAN:         Well, we can’t do any more good here. Let’s set our coordinates for a casino in the Vegas cluster. OK, Luke?

SKYWALKER:       Only if you don’t force me to see Justin Beiber.

OBI-WAN:         Oh no, I wouldn’t do that. Yoda is keen on the Spice Girls.

YODA:            Yo-Da, what I want, what I really, really want, tell you. What you want, what you really, really want, tell me. <Music 0:34> If be my lover, you want, then get with my friends, you must!

END