Captain Bonehead Episode 1
Safe for families with small children.
Bonehead has a heroic voice
Splinter has a high voice
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NARRATOR: It is time once
again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime
prevention, Lil’ Splinter.
BONEHEAD: Greetings friends,
it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this
evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?
SPLINTER: Hello everyone.
Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t
exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?
BONEHEAD: Well, Lil’
Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.
SPLINTER: No, ...I caught a
ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the
freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you
been up to lately?
BONEHEAD: I have scoured the
frozen tundra in search of sustenance only to find myself trapped in a frozen
river awaiting rescue.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, were you in Alaska?
BONEHEAD: No, I was at the
downtown Safeway. They only had one package of Hot Pockets left in the freezer,
...then the line for the cashier took 30 minutes.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, ...why didn’t you just go to a 7-11?
BONEHEAD: I needed to park
my car so I could go see Iron Man 3, ...and if you buy something at Safeway you
don’t have to pay for parking. ...Must I reveal all my secrets and the tribal
knowledge of San Jose to this audience?
SPLINTER: Why would you see
Iron Man 3? Surely, you see enough action every day.
BONEHEAD: True, ...but Iron
Man was a protégé. ...I first met him when we were hanging out with the
Vitamen. ...Yes, Iron and the Vitamen, ...a nourishing amalgamation of talent
if there ever was one.
SPLINTER: The Vitamen? ...Don’t
you mean the Vitamins?
BONEHEAD: Vitamins? ...What
kind of English is that? I think you were reading too many comic books at super
hero school when you should have been studying.
SPLINTER: Well, actually,
Captain Bonehead, at super hero school, comic books were part of the core curriculum.
BONEHEAD: Never mind that, I
didn’t have the privilege of going to super hero school. No, mom wanted me to
be an accountant, ...like my uncle, ...Seymour Bonehead. ...But I had a
different plan and found my way through hanging out with the Vitamen ...in the
river parks of San Jose. I owe everything I am to the Vitamen.
SPLINTER: Why did you leave
them, then?
BONEHEAD: One day, San Jose State
University was being overrun by rogue bowls of Rice Crispies. One of the
Vitamen shouted out, “Great Scoops of Riboflavin, get down.” ...And before we
could find a duck, ...I saw him and the other Vitamen Snapped, Crackled and
Popped.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, what did you do then?
BONEHEAD: Calling upon my
friends, Count Chocula and Frankenberry, we milked out the rogue bowls of Rice
Krispies and berried them in the river. ...Not to sugar coat such a sad scene
of puffed rice facing their final pops.
SPLINTER: Where was Iron Man
at the time?
BONEHEAD: He’d been tricked
into a sugary trap by the silly Trix rabbit. Didn’t he know that Trix are for
kids? Will he never learn?
SPLINTER: Gosh, how did Iron
Man escape?
BONEHEAD: He ironed out a
deal with the silly rabbit, something to do with frosted lucky charms. ...Let’s
just say, he left the silly rabbit frosted but charmed.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, ...I didn’t realize that so much of your personal history was tied up
in breakfast cereal.
BONEHEAD: Well, Lil’
Splinter, when it comes down to it, aren’t we all part of the complete
breakfast? ...Now, come along, we have no time to lose.
SPLINTER: Why? What’s
happening?
BONEHEAD: We need to rescue
Bam-Bam from Fruity Pebbles before she turns him onto Special K. ...‘Cause once
they’ve had the K, they are forever flaked out.
SPLINTER: Great Scoops of Riboflavin,
Captain Bonehead!
END
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