Star Trek Next Generation

Star Trek Next Generation

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Jordi: high voice

Worf: deep voice

Picard: English heroic voice

<<Star Trek NG Theme Music 0:20>>

NARRATOR:        I’m sure you’re all familiar with Star Trek, the Next Generation. Here, I imagine these characters appearing on this stage.

Lt. Commander Jordi LaForge

JORDI:           At your service!

NARRATOR:        ...and General Worf, the Klingon,

WORF:            All systems are ready for action!

NARRATOR:        ...and Captain Jean Luc Picard,

PICARD:          Live long and prosper!

PICARD:          Captain’s log, star date oh five dot two nine dot oh, oh, oh damn, I forgot to take my pills.

JORDI:           Captain, I can see that you’re troubled.

WORF:            Jordi, how can you see anything through those stupid goggles?

JORDI:           That’s the whole point, Worf, I was born blind, but these goggles let me see.

WORF:            Really, well maybe they let you see too well. ...Otherwise, Jordi, explain why you walked head first into the simulator ...while Ensign Mammaries was loading the torpedo tubes!

JORDI:           Actually, I was thinking through a complex engineering problem at that time and wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. By the way, she’s not an Ensign, but a Private. Private Mammaries.

WORF:            Private Mammaries? This vessel uses navy rankings. I did not know there were any privates on this ship.

JORDI:           Are you telling me that in all the years you’ve served on the Enterprise that you’ve never seen any privates?

WORF:            No, I most certainly have not!

JORDI:           Then, maybe you’re the one who should be wearing the goggles!

PICARD:          Gentlemen, let’s not quarrel as we have important work to do. We have received a desperate cry for help from this blue planet and it is our duty to provide aid to these poor suffering people.

WORF:            Captain, sensors have detected an alien ship.

PICARD:          Load the Viagra torpedoes, Worf!

WORF:            Viagra torpedoes? You mean the photon torpedoes, surely?

PICARD:          No the Viagra torpedoes, I have a hot date with Counselor Troi tonight and nothing must fail.

JORDI:           Yeah, must be pretty embarrassing when all systems aren’t a go, huh, Captain?

PICARD:          Well, that’s part of it, Jordi, there is also the Counselor’s usual post meltdown lecture about, getting a grip on one’s inner penis.

No decorated officer should ever have to listen to that lecture.

WORF:            Jordi, I see some trouble with the methamphetamine crystals in the laboratory bathtub. I need a diagnosis. Jordi. Jordi.

JORDI:           What?

WORF:            Jordi, ...OK now that Major Jugs has left the bridge, ...please run a diagnosis on the methamphetamine crystals!

JORDI:           Jeez, Worf, you’re always barking out these orders: diagnose this, diagnose that! Is that why they call you Worf? Because you’re always barking orders?

PICARD:          Actually, Jordi, it is short for Waldorf, ...but, in his younger academy days, ...Worf encountered a trio of hairy female life forms who barked like dogs, ...and basically did it to him doggie style. As they reached climax they called out, Worf! Worf! Worf!

For the rest of his academy days, the other cadets used to come up behind him in the mess hall calling out Worf, here, Worf! <pant, pant, pant> ...After a few of these incidents, Worf was relieved of his phaser.

WORF:            Captain, I warned you never to tell that story. Just watch it, or, by Jupiter, ...I’ll have the simulator make a rubber torpedo and then shove it up Uranus till you’re seeing Pluto. ...Then we’ll see who’s calling out, Worf! ...I can just imagine the lecture that Counselor Troi will give you after that!

PICARD:          That’s OK, Worf, just as long as I can borrow Jordi’s goggles.

END