Captain Bonehead Episode 3
Family friendly
Bonehead: heroic voice
Splinter: high voice
NARRATOR: It is time once
again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime
prevention, Lil’ Splinter.
BONEHEAD: Greetings friends,
it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this
evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?
SPLINTER: Hello everyone.
Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t
exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?
BONEHEAD: Well, Lil’
Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.
SPLINTER: No, ...I caught a
ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the
freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you
been up to lately?
BONEHEAD: I have been
immersed in great philosophical debate about the transcendental perfection of
simple geometry.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, were you talking to a math professor?
BONEHEAD: No, I was at the
local burger joint trying to convince Hedda, ...that’s my wife,
BONEHEAD: Hedda Bonehead,
...trying to convince Hedda that, a burger, fries and a shake, are indeed, a
square meal.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain
Bonehead, don’t you think you should eat more vegetables?
BONEHEAD: True, and I am a
Texas vegetarian.
SPLINTER: But, you eat
hamburgers.
BONEHEAD: I’m a vegetarian
by proxy: I let the cattle eat the vegetation for me.
SPLINTER: Great bites of
nutrition, Captain Bonehead!
BONEHEAD: Here’s my friend
Cal Tater to tell you all about it!
SPLINTER: Pleased to meet cha,
Mr. Tater.
TATER: Hyuck (4x)!
...Anyone wanna buy a burger? ...Hyuck (5x)!
I’m Cal Tater,
owner of Cal Tater’s Texas Veggie Burger Barbeque Emporium. Whew, that’s quite
a mouthful, and so are my burgers! ...Hyuck (3x)!
We take the best
ingredients: ...store bought tamatas, ...bag fresh lettuce, skin tight onions ...and
the best grass fed beef burgers you ever laid your eyes on. Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: But, Mr. Tater,
how can there be beef in your veggie burgers?
TATER: I’m getting to
that, son! Hyuck (3x) First, we lay down those deelicious patties on the
griddle ...all gentle like and fry ‘em up till they’re just right, just right, and
then, ...just before we serve ‘em up, we add our own, special, 100% genuine,
organic vegetarian barbeque sauce to each and every one of them to give you the
best, ...and I say, the best, Texas Veggie Barbecue Burger your family has ever
tasted! Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: But, Mr. Tater,
that isn’t a veggie burger, it isn’t even barbecued! That’s just a fried patty
with some sauce added to it!
TATER: Hyuck (3x)! Not
just some sauce, but the best, I say, the best veggie barbecue sauce there ever
was!
SPLINTER: But, a veggie
burger is supposed to be made out of vegetables with no meat whatsoever. You
can’t just add a sauce and call it veggie!
TATER: Well, that’s what
we do and folks love ‘em up plenty with tasty tater fries and a frooty shake to
wash it down. ...Oops, look at the time, gotta run. Gotta run I do. Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: Bye
BONEHEAD: Lil’ Splinter, what
are you talking about? A veggie burger with no meat? Who in their right mind
would eat that?
SPLINTER: Lots of people.
Vegetarians, for example.
BONEHEAD: Are you saying
that there are people who call themselves vegetarians who actually don’t eat
any meat?
SPLINTER: YES. My goodness,
Captain Bonehead, how could you live in California and never come across
vegetarians? They’re everywhere.
BONEHEAD: Well, what can I
say? I don’t know what vegetarians look like. I’ve never been to Vegetaria.
SPLINTER: There’s no such
place as Vegetaria! ...And, vegetarians look like everyone you know, ...except
maybe thinner because they don’t eat animal fat. And if you ate more veggies,
you’d be thinner too.
BONEHEAD: Well, I could
stand to lose a few. ...Maybe, I’ll get Cal to add more veggie sauce to my
burgers.
SPLINTER: Great bites of nutrition, C. Bonehead!
END
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