Star Trek Original Series
Family Friendly
Kirk: orator's voice
Spock: deep voice
Bones: desperate voice
<<Star Trek Theme 0:00>>
NARRATOR: I’m sure you’re
all familiar with Star Trek, the original TV series. Here, I imagine these
characters appearing on this stage.
Captain James
T. Kirk
KIRK: Live long and
prosper
NARRATOR: ...First Officer, Mr.
Spock
SPOCK: Live logically and
prosper
NARRATOR: ...and Dr. McCoy
(also known as, Bones)
MCCOY: Live long and see
your family doctor
KIRK: Captain’s log,
star date oh four dot two nine dot two zero one three. Responding to a mayday
beacon, we teleported to a blue planet.
SPOCK: Captain,
teleporting to this primitive environment was most illogical, what the tribble
were you thinking?
MCCOY: Yes, Jim, had you
listened to me for a change ...and factored in a left turn at Albuquerque ...we
would now be among more intelligent life forms.
KIRK: Bones, Spock, it
is our destiny to reach out and explore the distant reaches of our being and,
in doing so, consort among the wild natives who lurk in the shadows.
MCCOY: Right, Jim,
consort among the wild natives who lurk in the shadows, huh? Is that why you
recruited Lieutenant Uhura to serve on the Enterprise?
SPOCK: Dr. McCoy, that
comment is most illogical. How a competent officer like Lt. Uhura could
possibly be confused with a wild native is beyond reason. ...Speaking of which,
Dr. McCoy, why do they call you, Bones, anyway?
KIRK: Because that’s
what Lt. Uhura screamed out, on one her previous missions, when she saw McCoy
with his pants down. “Dem Bones! Dem Bones!”
MCCOY: That’s enough Jim,
she was talking about my finely formed rib cage. And besides, didn’t I warn you
never to bring that up again? Next time I have you on the operating table, so
help me, Jim, ...I’m going to connect your esophagus to your pancreas, so
you’ll be talking out of your ass!
SPOCK: Talking out of his
ass, ...most illogical, Dr. McCoy, but, come to think of it, in the case of the
Captain, ...I fail to see how would that be any different from what he’s been
doing for the past 47 years.
KIRK: Quiet, we need to
be quiet and listen to this environment for signs of intelligent life.
SPOCK: Captain, while you
were listening, I took a reading of our surroundings with my quad-corder.
MCCOY: Quad-corder?
Spock, surely you mean your tri-corder?
SPOCK: No, Dr. McCoy, I
traded in my tri-corder for an upgrade to this quad-corder. ...Not only does it
seek out and report on life forms, it also predicts success or failure if one
was to approach a detected life form with an offer of sex. ...Most illogical,
but such a popular feature with the Enterprise crew ...that I had to wait
almost a light year to get mine through Starfleet FedEx.
MCCOY: Starfleet FedEx?
SPOCK: Yes, they route
all cargo through the planet Memphis 9, ...which is hopelessly backlogged since
they shut down their old hub on Uranus.
MCCOY: What was wrong
with Uranus? That was next to the star base manned by test pilots! What could
be safer?
SPOCK: Yes, the test
pilots, the TP. The planet itself was fine, ...but getting to and from the mail
hub became congested ...by too much TP orbiting Uranus in search of Klingons.
KIRK: Quiet you two, I
believe I just picked up signs of life forms. Spock, what does your quad-corder
say?
SPOCK: No intelligent
life, Captain, but I have received many predicted positive responses to sexual
solicitation. ...Most illogical.
MCCOY: Jim, I say we stay
the night and pursue this path of intellectually predictive responses as
detected by Spock.
KIRK: OK, McCoy and
maybe while on that pursuit ...you can convince that wild native over there ...to
undergo a close encounter of the third kind from yours truly.
MCCOY: Dammit, Jim, I’m a
doctor, not a hypnotist! <Music>
END
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