Star Wars

Star Wars

Family Friendly

Obi-Wan: Elderly, breathy voice

Skywalker: high, impatient voice

Yoda: high voice

<<Star Wars theme 0:00>>

NARRATOR:        A short while ago, in a Buick Galaxy not too far from here, these characters were driving around San Jose.

Obi-wan Kenobe

OBI-WAN:         May the force be with you.

NARRATOR:        ...Luke Skywalker

SKYWALKER:       Obi-wan forced me to be here

NARRATOR:        ...and Yoda

YODA:            Quiet, young Skywalker or feel the force of the back of my hand upside your head, you will!

YODA:            Come, to rescue this sketch have we. ...Swampy this planet appears, thinking what were you, Skywalker?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, had you truly used the force, ...we would have made that left turn at Albuquerque ...and been on our way to the rebel base by now.

SKYWALKER:       Use the force, use the force, that’s all you ever say to me, Obi-wan. Use the force, you’re like a looping hologram.

YODA:            A broken record, you must mean!

SKYWALKER:       A broken record?!  Holy death stars, just exactly how old are you, anyway, Yoda?

YODA:            Old enough to deserve a little more respect, I am.

SKYWALKER:       And you’re so tall, Master Yoda, up till now, you’ve appeared as an alien munchkin. What happened?

YODA:            A Jedi mind trick, I use, yes, just like the Jedi mind trick I use to force this audience to laugh at your lame jokes. Hmmm?

OBI-WAN:         Luke, you must not lose faith in the force.

SKYWALKER:       Yeah, whatever, like when was the last time you used the force, Obi-wan? Like when you forced yourself to attend that Justin Bieber concert with Chewbacca?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, that used a lot of force. ...Who knew that Chewy was such a belieber?

YODA:            Quibble shall we not, for I am the great Yoda, teacher of teachers here to rescue this so-called sketch, I am.

SKYWALKER:       So why do they call you, Yoda, anyway?

OBI-WAN:         That’s because, Luke, back in his federation academy days, Master Yoda spent a lost weekend with a party of curvy females on Alderon. Venus fly traps they were.

SKYWALKER:       Venus fly traps? What? Did they trap his fly?

OBI-WAN:         Indeed they did! First they called him over, ‘Yo, Daddy, Yo, Daddy!’ Yoda was over seven feet tall in those days. The last thing anyone heard before his fly was trapped was, ‘Yo, Da…’ followed by an enormous sucking sound. <<sucking sound>> Yo Da <<sucking sound>>

SKYWALKER:       What? Like, she sucked him off?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, Yo Da <<sucking sound>> She sucked about four feet of him off. ...Set his light sabre permanently to stun if you can imagine.

YODA:            Enough, that is! All these lies! These fantastic lies, believe in, you do, and too freely, you tell. Too much time watching blue holograms, you spend. Up will you shut your big mouths or thrust I will my light sabre so far up Uranus, be seeing Pluto you will! And a Jedi mind trick, it won’t be.

<<Pause>> <Set Wannabe to 0:34>>

SKYWALKER:       This audience reminds me of Han Solo.

YODA:            Why, because jump to light speed they are?

SKYWALKER:       No, because they appear to be cryogenically frozen like Solo was at the end of the Empire Strikes Back.

OBI-WAN:         Really, last time I saw Han Solo, ...he was in a threesome with C- 3 PO and R2D2.

SKYWALKER:       Really? Are 3 PO and R2 tops or botts?

OBI-WAN:         Last time I checked, they were both botts.

SKYWALKER:       Which explains why they needed a threesome!

OBI-WAN:         Well, we can’t do any more good here. Let’s set our coordinates for a casino in the Vegas cluster. OK, Luke?

SKYWALKER:       Only if you don’t force me to see Justin Beiber.

OBI-WAN:         Oh no, I wouldn’t do that. Yoda is keen on the Spice Girls.

YODA:            Yo-Da, what I want, what I really, really want, tell you. What you want, what you really, really want, tell me. <Music 0:34> If be my lover, you want, then get with my friends, you must!

END