Captain Bonehead Episode 3
At the Evergreen Coffee Company tonight. Small crowd until 8:00, then it got pretty busy. Jeff was wondering if everyone was on vacation. Nice piano solo by Marc Carbonell while accompanying a lady who sang the blues. No word if he asked her for some happy news. She did smile and turn away, though.
I performed a new episode of Captain Bonehead. I'm trying to come up with original characters. A new character here, Cal Tater, is a combination of what Joe Penner was doing on the radio in the 1930s (learned from some research I've been doing) and an ad for a "barbecue burger" restaurant in Dallas that I saw on TV there last January. Acknowledged and accepted that it will take a long time to come up with something that is much more original.
NARRATOR: It is time once again for the Adventures of
Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.
BONEHEAD: Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead.
...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce
my companion, Lil’ Splinter?
SPLINTER: Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it
was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are
you talking about?
BONEHEAD: Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you
didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.
SPLINTER: No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid
Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain
Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?
BONEHEAD: I have been immersed in great philosophical
debate about the transcendental perfection of simple geometry.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you talking to
a math professor?
BONEHEAD: No, I was at the local burger joint trying
to convince Hedda, ...that’s my wife,
BONEHEAD: Hedda Bonehead, ...trying to convince Hedda
that, a burger, fries and a shake, are indeed, a square meal.
SPLINTER: Gosh, Captain Bonehead, don’t you think you
should eat more vegetables?
BONEHEAD: True, and I am a Texas vegetarian.
SPLINTER: But, you eat hamburgers.
BONEHEAD: I’m a vegetarian by proxy: I let the cattle
eat the vegetation for me.
SPLINTER: Great bites of nutrition, Captain Bonehead!
BONEHEAD: Here’s my friend Cal Tater to tell you all
about it!
SPLINTER: Pleased to meet cha, Mr. Tater.
TATER: Hyuck (4x)! ...Anyone wanna buy a
burger? ...Hyuck (5x)!
I’m Cal Tater, owner of Cal Tater’s
Texas Veggie Burger Barbeque Emporium. Whew, that’s quite a mouthful, and so
are my burgers! ...Hyuck (3x)!
We take the best ingredients: ...store
bought tamatas, ...bag fresh lettuce, skin tight onions ...and the best grass
fed beef burgers you ever laid your eyes on. Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: But, Mr. Tater, how can there be beef in
your veggie burgers?
TATER: I’m getting to that, son! Hyuck (3x)
First, we lay down those deelicious patties on the griddle ...all gentle like
and fry ‘em up till they’re just right, just right, and then, ...just before we
serve ‘em up, we add our own, special, 100% genuine, organic vegetarian
barbeque sauce to each and every one of them to give you the best, ...and I say,
the best, Texas Veggie Barbecue Burger your family has ever tasted! Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: But, Mr. Tater, that isn’t a veggie burger,
it isn’t even barbecued! That’s just a fried patty with some sauce added to it!
TATER: Hyuck (3x)! Not just some sauce, but the
best, I say, the best veggie barbecue sauce there ever was!
SPLINTER: But, a veggie burger is supposed to be made
out of vegetables with no meat whatsoever. You can’t just add a sauce and call
it veggie!
TATER: Well, that’s what we do and folks love
‘em up plenty with tasty tater fries and a strawberry shake to wash it down. ...Oops,
look at the time, gotta run. Gotta run I do. Hyuck (3x)!
SPLINTER: Bye
BONEHEAD: Lil’ Splinter, what are you talking about? A
veggie burger with no meat? Who in their right mind would eat that?
SPLINTER: Lots of people. Vegetarians, for example.
BONEHEAD: Are you saying that there are people who
call themselves vegetarians who actually don’t eat any meat?
SPLINTER: YES. My goodness, Captain Bonehead, how
could you live in California and never come across vegetarians? They’re everywhere.
BONEHEAD: Well, what can I say? I don’t know what
vegetarians look like. I’ve never been to Vegetaria.
SPLINTER: There’s no such place as Vegetaria! ...And,
vegetarians look like everyone you know, ...except maybe thinner because they
don’t eat animal fat. And if you ate more veggies, you’d be thinner too.
BONEHEAD: Well, I could stand to lose a few. ...Maybe,
I’ll get Cal to add more veggie sauce to my burgers.
SPLINTER: Great bites of nutrition, Captain Bonehead!
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