June 26, 2013, Open Mic, Tortuga Tavern, San Jose

Tortuga Tavern at the Super 8 Motel on the Alameda in San Jose

 

I heard about this open mic from a posting by Pete Munoz on the Bamboo Lounge page on Facebook. There were about 20 people there at 9:00, mostly performers. By the time I left at 10:15, it was getting full with patrons and, I'm guessing, hotel guests. It is an "anything goes" open mic, so lots of jokes about drugs, sex and sex and drugs. 

I kept mine clean and did James Bond and I actually have most of it memorized so I can work on the characterizations and look at the audience. I was on early and this audience didn't find it very funny, but that's OK and I'm not discouraged. I'm going to try performing after 10:00 PM next week and see if I get a better reception. 

This open mic location is also really close to my house and it is after Sylvia Vo's so I could do both on the same evening. 

June 24, 2013, Open Mic, Bamboo Lounge, San Jose

Bamboo Lounge, San Jose, CA

Back in San Jose after being away for 2 weeks. Nice crowd tonight, also nice to have musicians mixed in with the comedy. I performed James Bond again, but for the first time with my wife, Mireya in the audience. After my performance, a couple from the Laughlin International Film Festival asked me if I had done anything more with my script. They were surprised to here that I had not and suggested that I team up with an animator. That put me in a good mood for the rest of the evening. Not sure I'm ready for that just yet. 

June 20, 2013, Open Mic, Back Door, Dallas

Dallas, Texas, the Back Door at the Doubletree Hotel

On a business trip to Dallas. Found that there was an open mic near the office. 6 colleagues came to see me perform James Bond. It went very well. Long list of performers with a range of talent. I got there right at 8:30 and was last on the list. I went on at 10:30 but got done in time for our team to see the final moments of the NBA finals game 7.

June 13, 2013 Open Mic, Goldie's Pizza, Vancouver

Vancouver, BC at Goldies Pizza on Pender St. at Seymour.

I was on vacation in Vancouver to attend a few family events. I found an open mic gathering at Goldies Pizza downtown. From the street, small place. But good pizza and they have a comedy lounge down stairs. My nephew and I got there at 7:30 and signed up early, by 9:00 25 more comedians had appeared. There was a wide range of skill levels, including a few professionals. My niece and her boyfriend came by later, just before I went on. 

I performed Super Friends. It went reasonably well. I'm still reading from the script, but the script is pretty solid. Now it is time to do a deep dive on my performance. 

Captain Bonehead Episode 1

Captain Bonehead Episode 1

Safe for families with small children.

Bonehead has a heroic voice

Splinter has a high voice

-->

NARRATOR:        It is time once again for the Adventures of Captain Bonehead ...and his partner in crime prevention, Lil’ Splinter.

BONEHEAD:        Greetings friends, it is I, Captain Bonehead. ...I have risked life and limb to be with you this evening. ...May I introduce my companion, Lil’ Splinter?

SPLINTER:        Hello everyone. Gosh, Captain Bonehead, it was a bit of a drive getting here, but it wasn’t exactly dangerous, what are you talking about?

BONEHEAD:        Well, Lil’ Splinter, ...obviously, you didn’t ride your bike from downtown San Jose.

SPLINTER:        No, ...I caught a ride with the Intrepid Commuter ...and we used the speedy HOV lane on the freeway. ...Captain Bonehead, we haven’t seen you for a while, ...what have you been up to lately?

BONEHEAD:        I have scoured the frozen tundra in search of sustenance only to find myself trapped in a frozen river awaiting rescue.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, were you in Alaska?

BONEHEAD:        No, I was at the downtown Safeway. They only had one package of Hot Pockets left in the freezer, ...then the line for the cashier took 30 minutes.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, ...why didn’t you just go to a 7-11?

BONEHEAD:        I needed to park my car so I could go see Iron Man 3, ...and if you buy something at Safeway you don’t have to pay for parking. ...Must I reveal all my secrets and the tribal knowledge of San Jose to this audience?

SPLINTER:        Why would you see Iron Man 3? Surely, you see enough action every day.

BONEHEAD:        True, ...but Iron Man was a protégé. ...I first met him when we were hanging out with the Vitamen. ...Yes, Iron and the Vitamen, ...a nourishing amalgamation of talent if there ever was one.

SPLINTER:        The Vitamen? ...Don’t you mean the Vitamins?

BONEHEAD:        Vitamins? ...What kind of English is that? I think you were reading too many comic books at super hero school when you should have been studying.

SPLINTER:        Well, actually, Captain Bonehead, at super hero school, comic books were part of the core curriculum.

BONEHEAD:        Never mind that, I didn’t have the privilege of going to super hero school. No, mom wanted me to be an accountant, ...like my uncle, ...Seymour Bonehead. ...But I had a different plan and found my way through hanging out with the Vitamen ...in the river parks of San Jose. I owe everything I am to the Vitamen.

SPLINTER:        Why did you leave them, then?

BONEHEAD:        One day, San Jose State University was being overrun by rogue bowls of Rice Crispies. One of the Vitamen shouted out, “Great Scoops of Riboflavin, get down.” ...And before we could find a duck, ...I saw him and the other Vitamen Snapped, Crackled and Popped.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, what did you do then?

BONEHEAD:        Calling upon my friends, Count Chocula and Frankenberry, we milked out the rogue bowls of Rice Krispies and berried them in the river. ...Not to sugar coat such a sad scene of puffed rice facing their final pops.

SPLINTER:        Where was Iron Man at the time?

BONEHEAD:        He’d been tricked into a sugary trap by the silly Trix rabbit. Didn’t he know that Trix are for kids? Will he never learn?

SPLINTER:        Gosh, how did Iron Man escape?

BONEHEAD:        He ironed out a deal with the silly rabbit, something to do with frosted lucky charms. ...Let’s just say, he left the silly rabbit frosted but charmed.

SPLINTER:        Gosh, Captain Bonehead, ...I didn’t realize that so much of your personal history was tied up in breakfast cereal.

BONEHEAD:        Well, Lil’ Splinter, when it comes down to it, aren’t we all part of the complete breakfast? ...Now, come along, we have no time to lose.

SPLINTER:        Why? What’s happening?

BONEHEAD:        We need to rescue Bam-Bam from Fruity Pebbles before she turns him onto Special K. ...‘Cause once they’ve had the K, they are forever flaked out.

SPLINTER:        Great Scoops of Riboflavin, Captain Bonehead!

END

James Bond

James Bond

PG-13

Bond: heroic voice

Small: high voice

Tonic: evil accent, high voice

<James Bond Theme 0:00>

NARRATOR:        I now present my new James Bond adventure, Liver Let Die. Here, I imagine these characters appearing on this stage.

Double Oh-Seven, himself, James Bond

BOND:            That’s Bond, James, Bond!

NARRATOR:        ...and his colleague, Agent Dick Small

SMALL:           That’s Small, Dick Small

NARRATOR:        ...and the evil genius, Lodka Tonic

TONIC:           Vi do I trifle vit such small dicks?..

BOND:            It is I, Bond, James Bond, here to save the world from this awful sketch. Dick, Dick, where are you?

SMALL:           <Panting> Hey, James, I’m here. <Panting> If you’d just listened to me,...we could have been here in time to stop this sketch from starting.

BOND:            Yes, Dick, we should have turned left at Albuquerque....

SMALL:           Why are we driving across the country in a used Chevy Van, anyway? <panting> Why aren’t we flying?

BOND:            Times are tough, Dick, we must tighten our belts.

SMALL:           I would if I could just sit in the passenger seat! <panting> why’d you kick me out of the van?  

BOND:            Your fidgety legs were stirring up my vodka. My vodka may be shaken but not stirred...

SMALL:           I thought we were a team, but this, this is all about you, James! You and all those damn women, your T&A. What about me? Am I not part of the team?..

BOND:            There is no I in team, Dick. Team is me ...with T&A. ...But, not necessarily in that order....

SMALL:           How’d we accumulate so much junk anyway?...

BOND:            Special equipment from Q plus a few tactical purchases....

SMALL:           Tactical purchases, like matching Grand Canyon martini glasses?...

BOND:            Those will be tactical for the team, me and my T&A. ...But, for now, we need to concentrate on saving the world.

TONIC:           Too late, Mr. Bond, for I, Lodka Tonic, evil genius and, how you say, ze big cock in ze criminal henhouse, Cock-a-doodle-doo! I have captured ze core essence of zis sketch’s unfunniness to carry out mine evil plans. HAHAHAHA

SMALL:           What plans are those, Mr. Tonic?...

TONIC:           Zat’s Herr Tonic to you, boy. Show some respect to ze big cock! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

                 Mr. Bond, I zee zat in zese tough times, Her Majezty’s Zecret Zervice has taken to recruiting zuch boys, Mr. Bond....

BOND:            Zecret Zervice?

TONIC:           Da, Zecret Zervice! Is zere somethink wrong with mine Englishk....

BOND:            No… but I’m not sure I’m buying your evil accent. ...Anyway, may I introduce my colleague, Agent Small.

SMALL:           Small, Dick, Small at your service, Herr Tonic.

TONIC:           It’s ze pleasure, Small Dick....

BOND:            Now that we have dispensed with the pleasantries, how do you plan to infect the population with this unfunniness?...

TONIC:           Through ze deep artesian wells that flow under ze Milwaukee.

SMALL:           Not the artesian wells!

TONIC:           Da! I will infect ze beer, ze very life blood of American society, with ze unfunniness. I will turn ze Miller time into ze killer time! HaHaHa. Cock-a-doodle-doo!...

BOND:            I assure you that we will not permit you to carry out your evil scheme....

TONIC:           Dumbkoffs, out of my vay, I’m off to ze Milwaukee!

SMALL:           Gosh, James, what do we do now?

BOND:            We use a gadget to stop him. Hand me the poisoned darts....

SMALL:           Sorry, we used up the poisoned darts to save Precious Patty from Petrov Peashooter in St. Petersburg....

BOND:            Damn it! Then hand me the laser gun..

SMALL:           Sorry, we broke the laser gun while saving Luscious Lucy from Lars Laffenov in Lubbock....

BOND:            Confound it! Then hand me that empty beer bottle....

SMALL:           Empty beer bottle?...

BOND:            Yes, from that table there.

SMALL:           Here you go...

<Long missile sound… Doink> <Music>

BOND:            Well, we’ve done it again, Dick: we’ve made the world safe for Miller time...

SMALL:           If it’s all the same to you, James, I’d prefer a Heineken.

END

Super Friends

Super Friends

PG-13

Batman: heroic voice

Robin: high voice

Superman: breathy, old voice

<<Batman Theme 0:00>>

NARRATOR:        OK, Batman. Here I imagine the following characters appearing on this stage.

Batman, the Caped Crusader...

BATMAN:          Yes, here I am, answering the call of justice

NARRATOR:        and Robin, the Boy Wonder ...Robin?

ROBIN:           Whoops, here I am, I was answering the call of nature.

NARRATOR:        and an old, elderly Superman

SUPERMAN:        Just finished a big bowl of super bran-flakes. Nature, it’s your call now.

BATMAN:          It is I, the caped crusader, here to save mankind from this horrible sketch.

ROBIN:           Holy crummy comedy writing, Batman, had we gotten here sooner, we could have stoped this sketch from starting.

BATMAN:          Yes, Robin, we should have turned left at Albuquerque...Great breasts of Wonder Woman what’s that?

SUPERMAN:        Down, down, get out of the way.

BATMAN:          Superman!

SUPERMAN:        <panting> Well, lately, it’s been more like Super Senior Man.

BATMAN:          What’s this down, down, get out of the way stuff? And since when was Superman played by Ronald Reagan?

SUPERMAN:        Well, you gotta eat ...and lately, my super cataracts have been acting up and my landings aren’t as crisp as they used to be. I’ve been crashing into stuff. ...Hey, what happened to the Bat mobile, since when was it pink?

BATMAN:          That’s not the Bat mobile. The Bat mobile’s in the shop, ...Robin was bat texting on his way to the bat store, ran into a bad patch of black ice and battered the bat front fender. ...So I borrowed Mrs. Bat’s mobile.

SUPERMAN:        Mrs. Bat? I thought you were a bachelor? What happened to that?

BATMAN:          Some years ago, at a bat party, back at the bat cave, I found myself alone with a bat girl, not THE bat girl, but a bat girl nonetheless.

BATMAN:          To make a long bat story short, my bat condom broke inside the bat girl who is now Mrs. Bat. ...Maybe I should have removed my bat gloves before rolling on the bat condom. ...Anyway, we had a girl, her name is Betty. Betty Bat. Now I have this expensive car repair bill and Betty’s about to turn 12.

SUPERMAN:        About to turn 12, why is that important?

BATMAN:          Soon she’ll be having her BAT-Mitzvah. BAR-Mitzvah is for boys, BAT-Mitzvah is for girls. Do I really have to explain my bat jokes to this bat audience?

ROBIN:           Batman, I didn’t know you were Jewish.

BATMAN:          Well, Robin, ...that’s ‘cause you’ve never looked while using the bat room.

SUPERMAN:        Why do they call you Robin, anyway?

BATMAN:          When I first met Robin, his name was Penis Robinowicz. I made him shorten it. ...Cock Robin was already taken,  ...so, ever since, he has been, Robin.

ROBIN:           Holy big bat mouth on a big bat idiot, Batman. Didn’t I warn about telling that story? ...How’d you like it if I cut off your bat ears, glued them to your bat forehead, spray painted you brown and called you Bat Bullshit Man.

ROBIN:           With your Bullshit Bat horns sticking out of your Bullshit Bat head. What’s the old bat going to say then, huh?

BATMAN:          The old bat? The old bat? How dare you bring my mother into this? I think it’s time I taught you a lesson and bat slapped you back to where you came from.

Pow! Sock! Bash! Wedgie! Noogie!

SUPERMAN:        OK, you two it’s bad enough that I have to hobble about on my super cane, I’m not going to stand for watching your campy stage fighting.

Beep! Beep!

BATMAN:          That’s Mrs. Bat calling me on the bat radio. She wants me to pick up a loaf of bat pumpernickel on the way back to the bat cave. Robin come along, there is no bat time to lose.

NARRATOR:        Tune in next week when Superman says,

SUPERMAN:        <Music 0:43> I haven’t seen anyone go that crazy since Lois Lane found the Abominable Snowman passed out in the Fortress of Solitude. ...Her fault for leaving left over anchovy pizza lying about. Anyway, Up, up and a cough, cough. Does anyone have ...a super throat lozenge?

END

Star Wars

Star Wars

Family Friendly

Obi-Wan: Elderly, breathy voice

Skywalker: high, impatient voice

Yoda: high voice

<<Star Wars theme 0:00>>

NARRATOR:        A short while ago, in a Buick Galaxy not too far from here, these characters were driving around San Jose.

Obi-wan Kenobe

OBI-WAN:         May the force be with you.

NARRATOR:        ...Luke Skywalker

SKYWALKER:       Obi-wan forced me to be here

NARRATOR:        ...and Yoda

YODA:            Quiet, young Skywalker or feel the force of the back of my hand upside your head, you will!

YODA:            Come, to rescue this sketch have we. ...Swampy this planet appears, thinking what were you, Skywalker?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, had you truly used the force, ...we would have made that left turn at Albuquerque ...and been on our way to the rebel base by now.

SKYWALKER:       Use the force, use the force, that’s all you ever say to me, Obi-wan. Use the force, you’re like a looping hologram.

YODA:            A broken record, you must mean!

SKYWALKER:       A broken record?!  Holy death stars, just exactly how old are you, anyway, Yoda?

YODA:            Old enough to deserve a little more respect, I am.

SKYWALKER:       And you’re so tall, Master Yoda, up till now, you’ve appeared as an alien munchkin. What happened?

YODA:            A Jedi mind trick, I use, yes, just like the Jedi mind trick I use to force this audience to laugh at your lame jokes. Hmmm?

OBI-WAN:         Luke, you must not lose faith in the force.

SKYWALKER:       Yeah, whatever, like when was the last time you used the force, Obi-wan? Like when you forced yourself to attend that Justin Bieber concert with Chewbacca?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, that used a lot of force. ...Who knew that Chewy was such a belieber?

YODA:            Quibble shall we not, for I am the great Yoda, teacher of teachers here to rescue this so-called sketch, I am.

SKYWALKER:       So why do they call you, Yoda, anyway?

OBI-WAN:         That’s because, Luke, back in his federation academy days, Master Yoda spent a lost weekend with a party of curvy females on Alderon. Venus fly traps they were.

SKYWALKER:       Venus fly traps? What? Did they trap his fly?

OBI-WAN:         Indeed they did! First they called him over, ‘Yo, Daddy, Yo, Daddy!’ Yoda was over seven feet tall in those days. The last thing anyone heard before his fly was trapped was, ‘Yo, Da…’ followed by an enormous sucking sound. <<sucking sound>> Yo Da <<sucking sound>>

SKYWALKER:       What? Like, she sucked him off?

OBI-WAN:         Yes, Luke, Yo Da <<sucking sound>> She sucked about four feet of him off. ...Set his light sabre permanently to stun if you can imagine.

YODA:            Enough, that is! All these lies! These fantastic lies, believe in, you do, and too freely, you tell. Too much time watching blue holograms, you spend. Up will you shut your big mouths or thrust I will my light sabre so far up Uranus, be seeing Pluto you will! And a Jedi mind trick, it won’t be.

<<Pause>> <Set Wannabe to 0:34>>

SKYWALKER:       This audience reminds me of Han Solo.

YODA:            Why, because jump to light speed they are?

SKYWALKER:       No, because they appear to be cryogenically frozen like Solo was at the end of the Empire Strikes Back.

OBI-WAN:         Really, last time I saw Han Solo, ...he was in a threesome with C- 3 PO and R2D2.

SKYWALKER:       Really? Are 3 PO and R2 tops or botts?

OBI-WAN:         Last time I checked, they were both botts.

SKYWALKER:       Which explains why they needed a threesome!

OBI-WAN:         Well, we can’t do any more good here. Let’s set our coordinates for a casino in the Vegas cluster. OK, Luke?

SKYWALKER:       Only if you don’t force me to see Justin Beiber.

OBI-WAN:         Oh no, I wouldn’t do that. Yoda is keen on the Spice Girls.

YODA:            Yo-Da, what I want, what I really, really want, tell you. What you want, what you really, really want, tell me. <Music 0:34> If be my lover, you want, then get with my friends, you must!

END

Star Trek Next Generation

Star Trek Next Generation

Family Friendly

Jordi: high voice

Worf: deep voice

Picard: English heroic voice

<<Star Trek NG Theme Music 0:20>>

NARRATOR:        I’m sure you’re all familiar with Star Trek, the Next Generation. Here, I imagine these characters appearing on this stage.

Lt. Commander Jordi LaForge

JORDI:           At your service!

NARRATOR:        ...and General Worf, the Klingon,

WORF:            All systems are ready for action!

NARRATOR:        ...and Captain Jean Luc Picard,

PICARD:          Live long and prosper!

PICARD:          Captain’s log, star date oh five dot two nine dot oh, oh, oh damn, I forgot to take my pills.

JORDI:           Captain, I can see that you’re troubled.

WORF:            Jordi, how can you see anything through those stupid goggles?

JORDI:           That’s the whole point, Worf, I was born blind, but these goggles let me see.

WORF:            Really, well maybe they let you see too well. ...Otherwise, Jordi, explain why you walked head first into the simulator ...while Ensign Mammaries was loading the torpedo tubes!

JORDI:           Actually, I was thinking through a complex engineering problem at that time and wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. By the way, she’s not an Ensign, but a Private. Private Mammaries.

WORF:            Private Mammaries? This vessel uses navy rankings. I did not know there were any privates on this ship.

JORDI:           Are you telling me that in all the years you’ve served on the Enterprise that you’ve never seen any privates?

WORF:            No, I most certainly have not!

JORDI:           Then, maybe you’re the one who should be wearing the goggles!

PICARD:          Gentlemen, let’s not quarrel as we have important work to do. We have received a desperate cry for help from this blue planet and it is our duty to provide aid to these poor suffering people.

WORF:            Captain, sensors have detected an alien ship.

PICARD:          Load the Viagra torpedoes, Worf!

WORF:            Viagra torpedoes? You mean the photon torpedoes, surely?

PICARD:          No the Viagra torpedoes, I have a hot date with Counselor Troi tonight and nothing must fail.

JORDI:           Yeah, must be pretty embarrassing when all systems aren’t a go, huh, Captain?

PICARD:          Well, that’s part of it, Jordi, there is also the Counselor’s usual post meltdown lecture about, getting a grip on one’s inner penis.

No decorated officer should ever have to listen to that lecture.

WORF:            Jordi, I see some trouble with the methamphetamine crystals in the laboratory bathtub. I need a diagnosis. Jordi. Jordi.

JORDI:           What?

WORF:            Jordi, ...OK now that Major Jugs has left the bridge, ...please run a diagnosis on the methamphetamine crystals!

JORDI:           Jeez, Worf, you’re always barking out these orders: diagnose this, diagnose that! Is that why they call you Worf? Because you’re always barking orders?

PICARD:          Actually, Jordi, it is short for Waldorf, ...but, in his younger academy days, ...Worf encountered a trio of hairy female life forms who barked like dogs, ...and basically did it to him doggie style. As they reached climax they called out, Worf! Worf! Worf!

For the rest of his academy days, the other cadets used to come up behind him in the mess hall calling out Worf, here, Worf! <pant, pant, pant> ...After a few of these incidents, Worf was relieved of his phaser.

WORF:            Captain, I warned you never to tell that story. Just watch it, or, by Jupiter, ...I’ll have the simulator make a rubber torpedo and then shove it up Uranus till you’re seeing Pluto. ...Then we’ll see who’s calling out, Worf! ...I can just imagine the lecture that Counselor Troi will give you after that!

PICARD:          That’s OK, Worf, just as long as I can borrow Jordi’s goggles.

END